Author: Cleo Calliope
Rating: PG-13 (just some swearing)
Feedback: Do I really have to beg?
Pairing: Angel/Cordelia (implied) Wesley/Gunn (implied)
Summary: Faith watches those around her, and waits.
Author's Note: Don't ask. It just came to me and I wrote it in about a
half-hour. Why, how, or when, Faith got out of prison and started working
with the AI crew, I have no idea. But she was there, and she had some stuff
to say. Warning! This is unbetaed.
I wait, but nothing happens. It's like this thing in my chest is broken.
Sure, it beats fast when I run and slow when I sleep, and sometimes it even
aches so bad I think I'm gonna die. But it doesn't do the other thing it's
supposed to do.
What's that saying? Just wait, it'll happen? Yeah, right. If I hear that
one more time I'm gonna be sick. It seems like I've been waiting forever,
but it's never happened.
Of course, they don't usually bother to tell me it'll happen. Who's the
latest conquest, Faith? That's all it ever is. Snide remarks about how I'm
a slut. What the hell do they know about it anyway! Do they think I
fuckin' wanna be like this?
I hate it.
I hate the girls I sleep with and I hate the guys even more. They all use
me as much, if not more, than I use them. I'm nothing more than a good
piece of tail and I know it. But I just want to be touched. I crave human
contact. And that's the only way I can get it.
They think I'm cold. Sometimes I think they're right. Can I even feel
love? I know I can care. I have cared, I do care.... But I've never loved.
Not like that.
They talk about the agonies of love, the crazy things it makes you do. But
I can't join in the conversation. Just one more way I'm not like them.
What do I know about love? Nothing but what I've seen. Granted, I've seen
a lot, more than they guess. But in the end imagination isn't going to cut
I watch them, and I see it. Everyday it's there. I watch Angel and
Cordelia talking. Doesn't even matter what it is they are talking about.
There's just something in the way their eyes meet. A closeness, a spark.
They've never touched one another, at least, not in that way. But somehow,
they're lovers just the same. The words have never been said. They don't
need to be. It's just there. I had no idea it could be like that. So
intense and so utterly pure. But it only serves to remind me how dirty I
Then there's good ole Wes and that new guy, Gunn. They're always laughing
together. Secret handshakes and inside jokes. Just good buddies, slapping
each other on the back and going out for drinks. But it's there too if you
look. The same closeness, the softening when their eyes meet, the way they
look out for each other. They are friends, first and foremost, just like
Angel and Cordelia. But, just like with them, that's not all there is to
it. Have they gone farther? I don't have a clue. Shit, would I ever like
to though. What a hot sight that would be.
I've never had a friendship that close before. I'm always on the outside
looking in. I was that way in Sunnydale and I'm that way in LA. Angel
tries to pull me in despite Wes' best efforts to keep me out. Whatever.
I just sit off to the side. I make snide comments and do my job. I believe
in what I'm doing. Funny, that it's taken me this long to get things
straight. I'm busy so most of the time I can ignore it. There's cases to
work on, souls to save. But it still leaves this empty space inside of me
I try to find obsessions to fill it, but nothing ever does. Dancing,
drinking, killing... it's all the same in the end. A way to fill up a hole
inside that can never be filled.
It wouldn't be so damn bad if I didn't have to see it every fucking day.
I'm forced to watch the intricate dances of those around me. Sometimes it
seems like they're so close that their very souls are somehow entwined. It
doesn't matter that I've never seen any of them actually touch each other
like that. It still feels like I'm watching their first kiss, sweet and
perfect. Perfect, because it will go on forever. The newness of it will
never fade. They always seem to find something new in each other, some
thing fascinating and wonderful.
I remember my first kiss. He stuck his tongue in my mouth and I nearly
gagged. All I could do was wonder what all the fuss was about. Why is this
supposed to be so fucking great? I'm still waiting for an answer.
Sex is just sex. It's meaningless. I want to know what gives it meaning.
What it is about the simple touch of one person's lips to another than can
be so amazing. The kind of kiss that leaves you dreamy. I just don't get
it. But damn, I want to. I ache to.
Sometimes, I run into people I used to know. They don't ever ask me if I
have a boyfriend, or even a girlfriend. Hell, I'm really not that picky.
But they know me. Faith is all about one night stands and casual sex. But
it's because it's all I know.
There are times when I hate them. I hate the way Wes and Gunn always know
that the other is at their back, without question. The safety that comes
with someone that close. I hate the way Angel and Cordelia seem to
make-love with just a glance. The way they smile at each other. They'll
just look at into one another's eyes for a few minutes, and they seem to
come away from that exchange more satisfied then a hundred guys in my bed
could ever satisfy me.
Because I'm empty. I'm cold.
I want to feel. I really do. I want to feel love and friendship. I wanna
go crazy with it. I want to be sappy and silly... and safe. What does it
feel like to be safe in someone's arms? I never feel safe.
They say hope springs eternal, but I've just gotten so damn tired of it. Of
looking closely at all the people I meet. Wondering, could this be the one?
Could those arms hold me, keep me safe? Could those lips leave me dreamy?
Could those eyes look into my soul, and like what they see?
I'm just so fucking TIRED of wondering. Hope is all fine and dandy, but it
can't live forever on nothing and neither can I.
All I can do is wait, and maybe one day... But the truth is I seriously doubt
it. Whatever is wrong with me isn't going to be solved any time soon.
Sure, I'm pretty. Hell, I'm damn hot and I know it. They all look when I
walk down the street. What the fuck good does it do me?
Because, you see, this thing in my chest just doesn't work right. It's
And I guess, in way so am I.