Title: Never Knew
Author: Jen
Pairing: Wesley/Gunn
Rating: PG-13, language, slashy thoughts, character death.
Archive: UCSL, anywhere else ask first
Feedback: JennaStan@aol.com
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Mutant Enemy, Joss Whedon, et al. The story is mine, don't archive or distribute without my permission.
Spoilers: The Thin Dead Line
Summary: Gunn's thoughts on losing Wesley.
Note: AU. Thanks to Kassie for the beta.

"He didn't make it."

Damn miracle he made it to the hospital. Wesley always was too stubborn, shoulda died with his back on the brick wall, less pain. Only hung on cause of us.

Hands gouging my eyes, ears barely processing Cordelia with all that yellin' at the doctor.

Love the way he bounces around when he talks about a kill, big kid breaking into a grin. We're all kids, too easy to forget the danger. Sniping takes up more time than demon-wasting. Underneath the barbs, me and him understand...understood each other. Every day was another threat. This ain't no club set up between honeys and 9-to-5, it's a life. Least it used to be.

"Score another kill for dark old Angel."

Stand up, arms wrap around Cordy before she paces to China. Mascara on my shoulder, mumbling. Sharing the pain don't do much more than putting a little x and a 2 in front of my grief. But Wes'd help her, and that's what I'm gonna do.

"This ain't Angel's fault."

Wes'd say that too. Damn sure he'd throw blame if the man deserved it, but he doesn't.

"Oh really? Who's to blame then?"

Swallow, look down, streaks and leather blurred 'til a few blinks.

"I am."

Harder tears now, me and her. He never even knew. Whitest man I ever met, Wes never knew how much I wanted to blush him red, right on that desk, just him and me. I never knew either, 'til now.

Smacked me hard as that bullet, why I didn't see before...too easy not to see. What we had the chance to be, shadows and light, bruised mouths to match our hands, sweat and sweet moans.

Dry up, or tryin' to. Gotta be an end to the hole, can't fall in.

Back on the couch, waiting for the next wave, signal to fall in a shot glass or sleep in a bed that's gonna be bigger for the rest of my life. Cordelia's shaking from the hate, hope she doesn't stamp her foot, I really don't wanna laugh right now.

"Those cops icked away, that means the shooter did too. He died for nothing."

Shake my head, nails digging my pants.

"No."

"No? He's dead. Dead cause we had to help people who only care about the cash in his wallet and his lack of a tan."

"No!"

Stand back up, some sort of red blurring my eyes. My rage, Wesley's blood.

"How many people you got on that list? Already blamed Angel, cops, those dirty nig..."

"Hold on, I never said that."

"Yeah, you didn't have to. Who's left? You maybe? Virginia?"

Shit. Virginia.

"Cordelia, we need to tell her."

End to the conflict, unresolved. Like it's ever resolved. Was almost glad for the distraction.

"I-I have her number...I'm sorry Gunn."

Wave my hand.

"Just go."

She smiles, type of smile a girl like her don't ever deserve to have.

"I'm getting pretty good at this. Wesley's girlfriend, Doyle's ex-wife. Hey, you got anybody special? It's the hottest list in LA."

She's gone. Like Wesley. Not like Wesley. Never said goodbye. Hey, didn't have to plunge that stake and watch him crumble to dust, guess that's a plus.

I used to think these were reminders of the struggle, had some purpose in the long run. Only purpose here was to show how pointless it is, fighting fangs my whole life and losing Wes to a living dead cop. The man I coulda loved. That's what hurts the most.

I never got the chance to know.