Wesley tapped his foot against the soft red carpet-- until he noticed he
was tapping his foot not remotely in time with the music. Then he stopped.
It really wasn't possible to tap one's foot in time with this music. One
could possibly get one good tap in, but the next time anything resembling a
beat appeared in the score might well be just before intermission.
He looked over at Gunn, a bit anxious that he not have noticed Wesley's
boredom-- only to realize that the man's head was nodding, and he was
unlikely to notice anything. A piercing note from the coloratura soon jerked
that head back up, and Gunn looked wildly around for a moment, before
glancing sheepishly at Wesley.
"Sorry, man. Not the company, really. Just didn't get a lot of sleep last night."
Wesley was about to respond, when there was a disapproving "shh!" from
behind them. They both flinched, and turned towards the stage once more.
Wesley thought about trying to read his program again, just for something to
do -- but he'd read it four times, now, and even reading the libretto to
understand just what was happening on stage didn't offer any distraction.
He resisted the urge to look at his watch, knowing that it couldn't possibly
be more than five minutes past the last time he'd looked, surreptitiously.
The good news, though, was if Gunn's nap was anything to go by, they could
escape this thing at intermission.
He tried to amuse himself by trying to decide just why Gunn had brought
them here, at all. To kill an otherwise boring Saturday evening at the
office? Unlikely. At the office there was at least a television, which would
offer more satisfying fare than lay before them now, even if Gunn did roll
his eyes when Wesley asked to watch Dexter's Laboratory.
It couldn't be because Gunn had an interest in opera. Unless he was trying
to discover something new about himself. If so, he was failing miserably.
That left the obvious reason-- that this was another attempt to see whether
Wesley liked something. Which he didn't, but he had no desire to tell Gunn
that. Oddly, the idea that the two of them were both bored was rather
amusing. He liked being able to be amused, especially by concepts like that.
Being able to appreciate the humour in irony, instead of noticing it because
he was supposed to be clever.
Much as he wanted to continue enjoying the humour, and Gunn's company...he
wasn't fully convinced they couldn't do so elsewhere. Perhaps at
intermission he would simply tell Gunn he didn't like it, and they could go
get coffee -- or ice cream. He knew of a parlour not too far off, that sold
bubblegum ice cream. It even had those delicious cones, which he had yet to
figure out how to consume without the ice cream leaking out through the
bottom. But he...liked trying.
He'd told Cordelia that yesterday, and she'd laughed. She laughed a lot,
when he used those words. 'Liked.' 'Disliked.' Sometimes he said them
just to make her laugh and smile.
As the intermission drew nearer, he found himself checking his watch more
and more often. Unfortunately, he had apparently become less surreptitious
about it, because Gunn caught him just as the soprano began her final
pre-intermission wailing fest. A look, questioning. "You got someplace to
Wesley shook his head. No, there was no place he specifically *had* to be,
and the ice cream parlor was merely a fancy, not a necessity.
Then the other look. The one he had learned to recognise on all three
familiar faces. "You don't really like this stuff, do you."
He opened and closed his hands on the programme. At a loss. Finally he
nodded. "I...don't find it very interesting. I know you thought I would. I'm
Gunn shook his head, and Wes saw his mouth move, but could not hear what he
said. They sat silently through the final aria, both facing forward, Wesley
rather tensely. When the curtain finally was drawn, Gunn stood up. "Come
on, let's get out of here."
Wesley stood, and preceded him out of the aisle, apologizing quietly to
those they had to squeeze past. He left his program at the doors in the box
marked 'return programs', and went out into the lobby.
Gunn was following, still silent. Wesley didn't glance back until they'd
exited the theatre proper. Gunn was closed in on himself, obviously upset.
Obviously trying to control himself. Wesley stopped, and waited.
And waited. Finally, when it became obvious that Wesley didn't know what to
say, Gunn said quietly, "You shouldn't do that. Or.. no, dammit, I'm not
supposed to be telling you what you should or shouldn't do. But you
shouldn't... I don't want you to go places, do things, just 'cause you think
I want you to."
Wesley fingered his bow tie. "I was not..." He didn't know how to explain.
He had come along because Gunn had proposed the idea. He hadn't known in
advance that he wouldn't like the opera. He tried to tell Gunn this, tried
to explain, but there was the frustrated face again.
"But you need to tell me-- when you're not having fun. I don't want you to
stay someplace where you don't want to be, either."
Wesley began to feel the same frustration he saw on Gunn's face. "But I
wanted to be here. I didn't know I wouldn't like this opera until I had
seen it. Or seen part of it."
Gunn shook his head. "And that's why you spent twenty extra minutes not
saying you didn't like it?"
Wesley controlled the frown he felt. "You said nothing, either."
"Man, that ain't the point! I knew *I* wouldn't like it--"
"Then why did you ask me here?" Wesley was feeling more confused.
"Because I *thought* you'd like it." Gunn wasn't yelling, quite, but he
was speaking to him as though Wesley were stupid, as well as...whatever he
was. He was supposed to use the word 'inexperienced'. He wanted to use the
"And I *wanted* to like it. I'm *sorry* I didn't like it."
"But I don't want you to want to like it!"
He was trembling, a little, trying to answer, trying to come up with
something that wouldn't start the whole frustrating cycle over, and the look
on Gunn's face was as unhappy as Wesley felt and it... it... "It did not
mean to cause you distress."
And that was worse. So much worse. That was Gunn facing away and resting
his head against the wall and saying softly, "No. No, no, don't do that,
Wes. Please don't do that."
"This one is... I am sorry."
Gunn straightened. Faced him, something in his eyes that Wesley couldn't
fathom, not the disappointment or the frustration, but something else.
Something that still made him feel unhappy, and not know what to do about
it. "No. There's nothing to be sorry about. It's not your fault."
It wanted to ask what it had done wrong. But that had been so rarely
allowed, and it was certain it would not be welcomed, now.
"Come on," Gunn said with a faked calm. "I better take you home."
Hearing those words made it feel worse even than it had -- worse than
disappointing Gunn, worse than causing the frustration in the first place.
It wanted to ask if they could go for ice cream, instead. Or coffee, or
beer and pizza which it knew Gunn liked.
But it said nothing, and followed Gunn to the truck. Sat quietly, staring
out the window as Gunn got in and drove them away, and it knew nothing that
it could do, but sit there.
Gunn did not address it at all, on the drive back to Angel's hotel. When
they parked in front of the Hyperion, it waited. Having been given neither
instruction to leave, or instruction to wait until Gunn acted or spoke, it
waited. Finally Gunn seemed to realize what it was waiting for, and he
growled, "Go on, then. I'll see you tomorrow at the office."
It opened the truck door and slipped out, feeling as though it had been
whipped. It didn't stay to watch the truck drive away; Gunn wouldn't want
that. It simply entered the hotel and tried to get to its room. Thinking
that it could lose itself in sleep, at least.
Halfway through the lobby, it saw its Master sitting in a chair, reading.
Angel looked up, and it was all it could do not to get down on its knees.
Something familiar. Something in its own way safe. It felt like it was on
its knees already, anyway.
"Wes? What's wrong? Aren't you supposed to be at the opera?"
It shook its head, slowly, then finally sank down. Not exactly to its
knees, just... down. To the floor. Sitting there. It wasn't exactly
subservient, but... it was a good place not to fall from. When Angel bent to
look at its face, it did not look down. Still the Master, and one did not
look away from the Master. "This one... did not like the opera," it said
Its Master looked confused. When it did not continue, its Master asked,
"Was it *that* bad?"
It shook its head. "Not...it was not the opera. It was... it angered
Gunn. And it does not know why. Gunn explained, but this one must be
stupid, for it did what it was told and it still failed."
It had known Masters like that. Masters who changed the rules, or pushed
their slaves into attempting things that could not be managed -- just to see
the slaves fail. For the enjoyment of seeing them fail, or the excuse then
had to mete out punishment.
"He wasn't happy because you didn't like the opera?"
"This one did not tell Gunn soon enough, that it did not like the opera.
Then...then it is not sure. It tried to explain, and it made things worse."
"Can you explain it to me?"
It was not sure. It was sure of nothing, but it would try. "This one was
thinking--- that perhaps we could go somewhere else. It did not know how to
say so to Gunn, but it might have. It does not understand, though. Why Gunn
was so upset. He did not like that this one did not like the opera, he did
not like that this one did not want to make him unhappy by telling him... Is
it wrong? Not to want to make someone unhappy? To wish to please someone?
Don't humans do that as well?"
"Yes, of course. Everyone does it, to some extent." Angel was smiling a
bit, now, and it wanted to move closer. It felt safe here, it suddenly
realized. "Did you ask him to go somewhere else, instead?"
It shook its head. "It...had angered Gunn, before it had a chance."
"Wes...why didn't you tell him you didn't like the opera?"
It sat very still. It had not had a chance to consider that part, yet. It
had only known it did not want to. It had thought it was doing the right
thing, doing what it wanted. Rather than what was expected. It whispered,
"It did not want to leave. It did not enjoy the opera, but it
enjoyed...everything else. It did not want to leave." As they had done,
after all. Left Gunn's company earlier than they would have, had they
stayed. It had endured far worse than incomprehensible singing and
Why had it said nothing, and pretended to enjoy it?
Angel looked at for a moment, and it waited. There was nothing else to do,
but wait. It had told its Master everything that it knew, everything that it
understood. Finally Angel slid to the floor. Sitting beside it. Which felt
wrong, so wrong, made it want to prostrate itself so that it would be lower.
It knew this was silly, in its head. They had sat in chairs at the same
level before, and it had been uncomfortable, but not unduly alarmed.
This, though... it felt as if this meant that its Master was as confused
and disturbed as it was-- and that did not make it feel safe at all.
Angel didn't look upset, though. Just a little bit... sad? Tired? Rueful?
It was hard to tell, on that face. "You didn't do anything wrong, Wesley,"
he said at last.
"Then why did it upset Gunn?" it whispered, still fighting the urge to
lower itself. Could it scrunch down a bit, even, to get its head lower than
Angel's? Angel would notice, and he would probably not be pleased.
Although if it were supposed to do as it wished and not behave solely to
please its Master.... It suddenly felt very tired, and very frightened.
"What did this one do?" it repeated.
"Nothing," Angel repeated in a firmer voice. Angel reached over and put
his hand on its chin, held its head still for a moment before dropping his
hand to its shoulder. It supposed that was meant to reassure it. It wasn't
sure it did. "Wes, I think...and don't take this as a command, but just a
suggestion." There was a regretful tone to its Master's voice, as if Angel
suspected it would do so, anyway. "I think you should tell Gunn why you
didn't tell him you weren't enjoying the opera. If you want help -- want me
to make sure he stays and listens, I'll be happy to do so."
That-- no. But 'no' was something it could not say. Not to Angel. Not even
when Angel had told it that he was making a suggestion and not an order. To
try to explain, again, to Gunn, to feel itself shrinking once more into the
nameless thing that had pressed its forehead to the floor before Master
Arelain... that was almost how frightened it had become, now, and it could
not say no, but it could shake. It could most definitely sit there next to
Angel on the carpeted floor and shake. It was quite good at shaking, in
fact. It could, if Angel wished to hire it out, shake for a living, it
It did not notice -- and it felt the flash of fear at that realization, for
a second dwarfed by what it did notice, a second later -- when Angel reached
over and pulled it towards its Master. Angel was whispering in its ear, and
holding it tightly, and making no move or word or sound at all that said it
had done something wrong. Held instead like its own elders would, at times,
when it returned to those places where the slaves lived when their Masters
did not need them, held or whispered to or touched, reassured that there was
comfort to be had.
Receiving that from its own Master was enough to shock it out of its
It could not process what it was hearing, however. It could hear just
fine, but could not accept that its Master was telling it everything would
be fine, that it could relax, that it would be taken care of and protected
No matter that it had been said before, by Cordelia, by Gunn, even by
Angel, in similar words. It was not the same. This was its Master *holding*
it. Whispering it. This was the sound not of disappointment, or sadness, in
Angel's voice, but simply comfort. It did not make sense. There was more
fear and confusion, though it wanted to give in and be comforted. It did,
truly. Its Master wanted it to take comfort, and... Again into the circle
of should it do what it wanted or what it thought Angel wanted, and what to
do when those two seemed to be one and the same?
"It doesn't matter," it heard Angel saying. "It doesn't matter."
Confused, it tried to understand, focus on what its Master had been saying.
With surprise, it realized it had asked its question aloud. It was losing
its control, losing its ability to remain aware and waiting solely for its
Master to act. Master Arelain would have had it whipped for such faltering.
Master Wyndham-Pryce would have locked it up for hours, chastised it loudly
for hours after.
Angel was holding it.
It almost believed it could afford to relax. It listened to Angel, again,
as it heard him speaking.
"This isn't about you doing what's expected of you, Wes. It isn't about
you doing what's right. It's about *you* deciding. Whether you want to
please yourself or please others, it's always going to be your own decision.
Uncertain, still, it voiced the question that rose unbidden to its lips,
unhappy with the shake that was present even in the words: "What if... what
if this one does not know how to decide? How will it decide, when there are
so many choices?" The question that had plagued it for months, now, in one
form or another.
It had never dared to ask quite so directly before, and it wanted to hide
its errant tongue away somewhere inside its throat, when Angel turned it
face to his, and smiled. "That's what it means to be human, Wesley. None of
us know the answer to that. Not me, not Cordelia, not Gunn. We just take
every choice as it comes, because that's the only thing you *can* do."
It thought about that, wanting to accept Angel's words at their face value.
But it could not, when the risks could be so high. "What if it chooses
wrongly?" it felt emboldened enough to ask.
"Then you think about choosing differently next time," Angel said easily.
As if he did not even realize the import of his words.
It thought about remaining quiet. Taking the comfort as given, and
gathering itself to crawl out of its Master's arms and regain some form of
dignity. "It...will not be punished?" it ventured hesitantly. Knowing that
Angel had said it would not be, it still could not make itself *remember*
that, every time.
Angel sighed, and rubbed its back. "Sometimes the consequences of a bad
decision can feel like punishment. But it's the universe that metes it out.
Not me. It won't ever be me."
It sat there for a while. Taking in what had been said. Trying to see how
much of it could be believed. The feeling that Angel was telling the truth
was strong, but there was always that uncertainty. Still. Breathing was a
little less difficult. When it thought it could ask without its voice
shaking at all, it did. "Is this one... am I, very tiresome to you? It
thinks sometimes that it must be."
"No, you aren't," Angel answered instantly. It could hear the note of
pleasure in Angel's voice.
If it were not supposed to behave solely to please Angel, then why did it
feel so right to have done so? Was that mere habit, something to be
unlearned? It did not explain why displeasing the others -- his master's
friends, its...his own friends -- felt so wrong. It did not explain why the
opportunity to redress what had happened tonight, to Gunn, made it afraid
all over again of causing more displeasure.
It was not certain that it could explain, if asked to do so. It knew simply
that it did not wish to. That he did not wish to. If it was the wrong
decision, perhaps the universe would be kinder to him than his former
Masters had been. Perhaps even as kind as his current one.
The problem was, however, that it still wanted Gunn to be happy.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Gunn asked, holding the door open for
Wesley. Did he realize he was doing that? Wesley instinctively wanted to
take hold of the door and hold it for Gunn, but he knew that would only
complicate the conversation, and there were people behind them.
"Yes, Charles. I'm sure."
"'Cause if you don't, we can always do something else. And if you don't
like it, you gotta let me know, okay?"
Wesley nodded. He wasn't sure *how* he would let Gunn know, if such became
the case, because he was quite certain that he would have the same feelings
he had had the last time: a desire to keep his mouth closed even if he was
not enjoying the activity, because... If he could not explain to himself
why, how on earth could he begin to explain to Charles? Perhaps he had best
simply hope that he did, indeed, like what they were about to do.
They walked into the building, which was smoky and loud. There were people
moving about, people of all ages and types -- all human types, but there was
apparently little segregation of class. Working class, students, families,
and more. He looked around, wondering again just what it was they were
about to do.
Gunn had explained it all, describing the activity before they ever
arrived -- all the while asking 'Does that sound okay?' and 'Do you think
you'd like to?' Gunn's nervousness had rubbed off, until now, finally here,
Wesley wasn't sure that they weren't both so determined to enjoy themselves
that they couldn't possibly.
Gunn was leading him over to a counter, and a moment later turned with a
smile. "Damn, glad I called for a reservation. Our lane's just come open,
waiting list is almost an hour long." He grinned, and told the woman their
Wesley found himself frowning. If there were others, waiting, it was not
proper that it go ahead of them. Gunn could, of course, but he could take
three of the others, instead of dragging it... Wesley gave himself a mental
shake. *He* was going to do this. With Gunn.
They walked to the lane assigned to them, and Wesley sat down. He stared,
for a moment, at the shoes. Did he *like* these shoes? Gunn noticed his
"They're bowling shoes, Wes. They're *supposed* to be ugly. You just wear
'em so you don't slip on the lane."
That did make a certain sort of sense. "Oh, good. Because they are... not
very attractive." He slipped his own shoes off, and began to lace up the
two-toned red-and-blue shoes.
"They fit all right?" Gunn was a little too nervous, still, and it made
Wesley shake, just a bit, but he held on to his 'him'-ness, and nodded.
"They seem to."
"Good. Come on, let's find you a ball." Gunn led him to a long rail-like
shelf, where sat several black and multi-coloured balls. Wesley wondered if
he were intended to chose by colour -- despite Cordelia's attempts, he had
not yet been able to form a preference for colour -- except for not liking
the rose she had tried to decorate his room with.
"Pick one up, see how heavy it is. You gotta pick 'em by whether it's
light enough for you to roll down the lane, but heavy enough to knock the
pins down." Gunn had come up beside him, and was picking up and hefting
various bowling balls.
Wesley nodded, and began to do the same. There were certainly a great many
different sizes and weights of ball here. He picked one up that seemed to be
about the same size Gunn was holding, and tried the same
rolling-but-not-letting-go motion. It really wasn't very heavy. If the point
was to knock down all the pins, surely he would want the heaviest one there?
Which was a very large, bright red ball with pearly waves embedded in the
plastic. Wesley stared at it for a moment, his human eyes seeming to see
beneath the surface. Then he picked it up.
"That might be a little heavy for you, Wes," Gunn warned him.
"The purpose is to roll the ball down the lane at a velocity high enough to
knock those --wooden?-- pins down, correct?"
For a moment Gunn didn't answer. Wesley looked over to find him looking at
Wes, a soft smile on his face. "Damn, you... sound like yourself."
Disconcerted, as well as pleased, Wesley tried not to say anything which
would make that look go away. "That is the purpose of bowling?" he prompted
after another moment.
"Yeah, yeah, that's the point. But that ball--"
"Then this one should be sufficient. I will have to test it, of course."
"Of course." Gunn said it dead-pan, but when Wes looked over again, the
smile was still there.
He smiled back.
Stepping onto the actual walking-space of the lane, Wesley watched the
woman in the next lane roll her ball. Studied the walk, the swinging back of
the arm, the slight bending of the knees, the release. It seemed simple
enough. He followed suit.
Gunn joined him as he stood at the edge of the lane, feet not quite
touching the Line That You Must Not Step Over. "Wes?"
He turned to look at his friend. "Did I do something wrong?" Gunn shook
his head very quickly. Used, by now, to reassuring Wesley that whatever he
had done this time was perfectly fine. Wesley sighed. "Why are you looking
at me like that, then?"
"I've just never seen anybody actually knock the head off a pin before."
"It achieved the desired result?" he asked, frowning a bit. Several people
nearby were staring, and pointing.
"Yeah, sorta. You want the ball to stay on the lane, and knock 'em over by
hitting the pins in the base," Gunn explained in a tone of patience he had
been hearing a lot from Angel, and Cordelia.
This was the first time he had really heard it from Gunn. He was able to
nod, and say, "I see. Should I try again?" without succumbing to the
irresistible urge to apologize.
"Yeah, you get two throws -- er rolls, I mean *rolls*, each turn."
Wesley nodded again, and waited for his ball to return from the contraption
next to their seats, before rolling once more. This time his ball rolled
neatly down the edge of the lane, knocking seven pins down with a loud
clatter. He stared down the lane for a few moments, and again Gunn said his
Wesley pointed down the lane. "I didn't get one of them."
Instead of the patient explanation he expected, that it was all right, no
one was very good on their first try, Gunn chuckled. "Nine out of ten ain't
bad, slick. Trust me."
He nodded, finding it easy to do so. He moved away from the lane, sitting
in one of the hard, uncomfortable seats while Gunn took his turn. He
watched closely, studying the way Gunn moved, the way he swung his arm back,
the way his legs bent, the way he leaned forward as he bowled.
Wesley decided he liked bowling.
As Gunn walked back after his second throw -- knocking down seven pins,
Wesley noted -- he decided not to say anything, just yet. Not for the same
reasons he didn't say right away when he disliked something, or thought he
might. But he wanted to be sure he liked it. He might simply be happy
because they'd stopped and had bubblegum ice cream, beforehand.
Gunn had told him, in strict confidence, that he liked the unnaturally pink
stuff, too, and Cordelia could keep the double chocolate fudge swirl stuff.
Then he was taking his turn again, trying to aim better, now that he knew
what he was supposed to be doing. It was clear there were several places he
could impact the pins in order to knock them all down. The trick was
apparently in striking one of those spots properly. He bowled, then stood
at the edge of the lane. An easy trick, as it were.
Gunn gave him the oddest look as he walked back to the ball-return. Not one
of the usual 'Wesley's done something cute/embarrassing/saddening' looks,
but something between suspicious and amused. "What?" he asked, realizing as
he did so that he had asked with no fear of what the answer might be. None.
"You hustling me, man?"
"I'm not sure what you mean." He knew what the term 'hustle' meant, and he
assumed Gunn was referring to the practice of telling someone that one was a
novice at something, when one was actually an expert-- and not the
unspeakably disturbing dance he had seen on a late-night disco-music
commercial. But Gunn knew he had never bowled before, even in his life as a
'free' rogue demon hunter.
"You said you couldn't bowl." Gunn was still looking amused, and Wesley
was struck by the urge to...enjoy himself.
"I said I had never bowled before. I never said I could not bowl." He
kept his face impassive. Innocent.
"Uh-huh." Gunn's eyes narrowed, and he walked over. Reached down and
picked up Wesley's hand, and studied it.
Wesley suddenly felt as if he should not move.
"You do something to your hand?" Gunn asked quietly, still sounding amused.
Wesley was unsure again, just for a moment, as he nodded. "I... the holes
were very far apart, and the ball was rather heavy for the way my hand
usually is. It seemed silly to choose a ball that was less suited for the
job of hitting the pins, when I can change myself, to suit the ball. Did I
do something wrong?"
The question slipped out before he could clamp his teeth on it, because he
knew it he had asked it once already, and more than once was likely to
elicit one of the looks that Gunn *hadn't* been giving him tonight.
But there seemed only to be curiosity in the steady brown gaze. "So you
made your arm muscles stronger?"
"I...changed them back more closely to my original form, though I did not
want to change the exterior too greatly." He hadn't wanted anyone staring
at his hands, not here in what Gunn had assured him was an all-human alley.
There was another alley which catered to non humans, but Gunn couldn't have
gone bowling there without Angel, Cordelia, and a small army along as
Cordelia had already been teasing them about needing a chaperone, and Angel
had offered to come along, to help make Gunn listen to whatever Wesley
needed to say. Wesley had almost taken his Master up on the offer, if only
to see the vampire bowl.
Instead they had come here, and Gunn was holding its hand like...like....
"Should I change it back?"
A slow shake of Gunn's head from side to side, and a transformation of the
expression on his face, but unlike what Wesley had done to his own arm, this
change was outside Wesley's ability to decipher. "No. It's just fine the way
Wesley was unsure of the expression on his own face. He *felt* as if he
were smiling, but it was a strange sort of smile. At last Gunn let go of his
hand, suddenly, and backed away, picking up his own ball.
"Gonna have to remember I'm playing with a superhero, though," he said, his
back turned as he walked toward the lane proper, already moving into bowling
"Super--" He stopped, startled, but not wanting to...what? He asked
himself, and spent several moments thinking about why he was thinking about
it. What he was trying to figure out, when all he wanted to do was sit down
and watch Gunn bowl.
He did so, even though he was feeling more confused than relaxed. When it
was his turn once more, he knocked nine of the pins down on the first
attempt, and managed a smile when Gunn congratulated him. Was he feeling
this way simply because every time he began to relax and enjoy himself, he
expected things to go wrong? Or because last time he and Gunn had spent
time together, they *had*? Terribly wrong, such that it had taken him three
days to stop thinking of himself as 'this one', again.
He recognized the cycle that he seemed to be trapping himself into -- his
very fear of not having a good time causing him not to, which in turn might
make the experience worse as Gunn reacted to his discomfort -- but he wasn't
sure how to break the circular pattern of his thoughts. As he rolled his
second ball, and this time hit the tenth pin, he could feel Gunn watching
him. Anxious, no doubt, to see that he was either enjoying himself, or about
to tell Gunn otherwise.
When he turned around to walk back, Gunn was standing up. Walking over as
if to get his own ball, but he stopped beside the ball-return. "That was
Wesley nodded, still half-trapped in his own uncertainty. "Thank you. I
think..." What did he want to say? That he enjoyed the game? He was almost
sure that he did.
He stood still, not sure how to continue, and Gunn put a hand on his arm
again. "Wes, are you sure you're not just doing this because I *want* you to
have a good time?"
"I..am sure," he managed. "I am enjoying this." It was said haltingly,
but apparently honestly enough. Gunn's smile returned, spreading out across
his face. Wesley gave in to impulse and changed his eyes, just for a
moment, and watched the swirls of Gunn's aura.
When he changed them back, he found Gunn still watching him. There was
more amusement than worry in his expression, now. "You know your eyes just
did that thing?" he asked, and Wesley couldn't tell if the casualness was
faked, or if he were being teased.
He waited as Gunn took his turn, waited patiently as Gunn knocked the
remaining pins down on his second throw, and turned back to him with a
smirk. "Now who's the superhero bowling man?"
Wesley smiled. "I am. You've just done this before." His voice wasn't as
strong or confident as he wished he felt. But...it felt right.
"Yeah? You sayin' *I'm* a hustler?" Now he was definitely being teased.
He... dare he attempt to tease back? "Can you?"
Gunn frowned, but only in confusion, so far as Wesley could tell. "Can I
"Do the hustle?"
The look on Gunn's face was worth having to wear the ugly shoes. It was
worth having to wear *twelve* pairs of ugly shoes. At the same time. He
kept his face quite carefully impassive, still. Not laughing, not yet,
because it would distract him from watching Gunn react. Watching the grin
break out, the twitch that led to laughter, then smoothly churned into a
shake of the head and the cool man of the street was heading towards the
seats. "Go bowl, man."
Wesley dutifully did so, but only because he wanted to.
It was growing cool by the time they headed outside for the truck. Night
had fallen an hour ago, but the weather hadn't quite turned into hot summer
nights. Wesley ventured to think he might prefer this temperature, though
he couldn't quite remember caring enough about it, before now, to recall if
he truly didn't like summer heat.
Perhaps the cool air was just cool, and his pleasure at stepping outside
was an escape from the smoke and noise. He wasn't sure, and he felt himself
slipping into the mode of analyzing everything he did, and everything he
He glanced over at Gunn. "Did I do all right?" he asked.
Gunn rolled his eyes. "Bowled a 280, twice, and asks if he did all right."
He hadn't really been asking about his bowling skill. More about the entire
night. Had he done all right. Had he made Gunn feel that Wesley had been
enjoying himself. Had *Gunn* enjoyed himself. He didn't know quite how to
explain, though. "I just meant..." He shrugged, the words not coming to
A look of concern, now, which was not what he wanted at all. "You did fine,
Wesley. But you shouldn't worry about how you look to me. Just about whether
you had fun or not. Did you?"
He nodded. But it didn't erase his concern. Remembering what Angel had
said -- suggested, not ordered, but it seemed more like something he ought
to do. He stopped beside Gunn's truck, and when he made no move to get in
the cab, Gunn stopped as well and looked at him.
Doubt crossed his face. "You did have fun, right?"
"I enjoyed bowling," Wesley said quickly.
"So what's wrong?"
He still had no idea how to say this so that he wouldn't upset Gunn all
over again. They hadn't mentioned the night at the opera, beyond implicit
references each time Gunn encouraged him to speak up if he weren't enjoying
"Yeah?" The slight scowl and suspicion hadn't dimmed, at all.
"I...it wouldn't have mattered."
Gunn was radiating suspicion *and* confusion, now. In fact, when Wesley let
his eyes transform for a moment, trying to see what his human self could
not, as if the answers were there in Gunn's aura, he noticed dark streaks of
something he couldn't quite identify. "What wouldn't have mattered?"
Wesley breathed. Just breathed, for a moment, then answered. "It would not
have mattered whether I enjoyed the bowling."
Even Gunn's eyes had darkened, and Wesley feared a repetition of the
previous experience, if he could not explain himself better, this time.
"Wes, I told you--"
"It would not have mattered," Wesley dared to interrupt him, and was
shocked at his own bravery, with the part of his mind that was not focusing
on what he had to try to convey, "because I enjoyed being here."
"The bowling alley?"
Welsey shook his head. "No. I would have enjoyed being wherever we were.
Even if we had gone back to the opera."
"You didn't like the opera."
"I did not. But...I did not dislike being there." He was struggling to
explain, though at least now Gunn appeared to be listening, and not getting
He was still confused, though. "You didn't like the opera, but you liked
going to the opera?"
"What the--" Then he stopped. Stopped speaking, stopped moving. Might
have stopped breathing, except Wesley changed his eyes once more and saw the
sway of his body that meant his lungs were moving. Then there were those
swirls again, tiny, flickering almost faster than he could watch. The smile
that accompanied them took his attention away from the aura. "Yeah?" Gunn
Wesley nodded slowly. Wondering what he had said, or if he had said it
right. It seemed, whatever it was, that he had. "I just liked... do you
understand?" Wesley asked. Still not sure what the next words should be.
"Just to be, spend time..."
Gunn's hand on his, just for a moment, the lightest touch, stopped him from
babbling, stopped him from constantly reaching for the next way to say
something he had no idea how to say. "Yeah, I understand. You... yeah."
Another smile, this one softer, but somehow Wesley liked it even more than
the first one. "I like you, too," Gunn said. "I'll even sit through La
Traviata with you."
"But not awake?" Wes teased, amazed at his audacity. Giddy was perhaps a
better word. Relieved that things were not going terribly, after all.
He felt fingers in his hand, again, and closed his own around them.
Lightly, gingerly, and wondered...what now.
The radio was playing in the office. Tuned to a sixties retro-station that
only Wesley openly liked, though he sometimes caught Angel tapping his toes
to the Supremes. The four of them were scattered around the room, just
relaxing after an evening of work well-done.
The staff of Angel Investigations, not the Supremes.
It hadn't been a difficult caper -- searching for a lost magical icon,
which the wealthy owner didn't want anyone, mostly his wife, to find. The
icon was carved into the form of a nude female, though its magical
properties were about stabilty and home life. He'd been afraid to explain
it to her, regardless.
They'd found the object in the shed, after only an evening of searching.
The housekeeper had found it, and hidden it. Why, they hadn't asked.
They'd returned it, collected a cheque, and left before anyone could say
why. A small job, but the sort they all hoped they could get a few more of.
Easy, paid for jobs where no one got hurt or slimed or kidnapped or turned
into a raging lunatic.
Wesley was sitting at his desk -- *his* desk, they'd insisted he keep it,
and he was getting used to calling it such, again -- reading his mail.
Mostly junk mail and circulars, but he found them fascinating.
"Are you sure I can't order something?" he asked, flipping another page of
the Fingerhut catalog. The *things* they offered.
"I know I said I wouldn't order you around," Angel began.
"I will." Cordelia looked at him. "No."
Wesley nodded obediently, then looked up again. "Why not?"
"I *told* you why not," she said patiently. "Because those catalogs are
actually demon-spawn. If you order from even one of them, five more show up
the next morning on the doorstep. They can smell a sucker all the way from
..." she glanced at the back of the catalog. "Pueblo, Colorado."
"But if I don't order something, this might be the last catalog I ever
receive," he said, just as if he were actually serious.
"Good! That's the point, " Cordelia explained. She sounded as serious as
she had when she'd explained the difference between sugar bubble gum and
sugar-free. "You want them to never find you. Change your name, if
"Change my name?" He acted surprised. It made him think, though. He
hadn't done anything about his name, since being claimed by Angel. Hadn't
thought much about it, at all, until now. He could. He had no idea what he
would change it to, but...he could.
Cordelia was pulling the catalog out of his hands, and he tightened his
grip. "Give me the catalog, Wes!"
"I haven't looked at the special deals pages yet." He frowned at her.
Gunn walked over. "Give her the catalog, man. It'll be OK."
Wesley looked from him to Cordelia. In the process he caught Angel's
face -- and saw the laughter his owner was trying to hold back. "No," he
said proudly, trying it out now, for the first time. In a safe place, over a
silly thing. "I need to see if the goose and goslings paper towel rack is
still available. It was a limited-run item, last time."
"Trust me, Wesley," Cordelia began. "It's for your own... did you just say
He nodded. "I did."
If he were looking at her with his natural eyes, he would undoubtedly have
seen a lightshow, assuming her aura always matched her own eyes. But what he
saw on her face was enough. Quite enough. Then Cordelia nodded back. "That's
wonderful." She reached for his hand, and patted it-- then, as he relaxed,
pleased that he had made her proud and aware that it was all right to be
pleased about that, she snatched the catalog from his grasp. "You still
don't get to keep this, though."
"I can't order the ceramic pig paperweight set?" He gave her a mildly
"No." She smiled. "See how easy it is?" She took the catalog over to the
weapons chest, and began rummaging through it. "Didn't we have matches in
Welsey turned his look on Gunn, who patted his shoulder. "You'll be OK,
man. It hurts at first, but soon you forget all about it."
Wesley was about to say that he wouldn't, because Fingerhut was already
delivering catalogues to Angel's hotel, when the phone rang. Angel picked
it up. "Angel Investigations. We help... Oh. Hi." A tone in his voice that
Wesley had not heard for ages. Something that rang of the past. Quite which
part of his two-and-a-half-century past, Wesley didn't know, but Cordelia
turned a sharp look in the direction of the telephone as well. "Yes, we can
do that, I guess. We'll be here most of the night. Do you need directions?"
Now all three of them were watching Angel as he gave the address and
directions from the freeway to whomever was on the other end of the line.
"Yes. That's right. Third storefront from the corner. We'll... yeah. We'll
see you then."
When he put down the phone, Angel glanced first at Wesley. Did it mean
something? A new client? Something that required his research skills-- or
perhaps even the talents of his other form, for there had been a case like
that. A chance for him to actually spread his wings, somewhere out near the
beach, and fly in to rescue a child who had been trapped in a rockfall. He
waited expectantly, now.
"Giles, Buffy, and Willow are coming down," came the unexpected words.
Gunn didn't seem fazed, but Cordelia smiled. "Wonderful! Um, it is
wonderful, right? Or is this bad? What's wrong?" She frowned at Angel, who
was watching Wesley.
Who was having trouble moving. Giles, Buffy, Willow. Here. Tonight.
"What...services are they in need of?" he asked. Maybe he could go home, or
sneak out to the cafe down the street and wait for them to be gone again.
No doubt they were here to see Angel.
"They need something translated. Giles said it was urgent, and too fragile
to scan and e-mail down. So they're coming down so you can take a look at
it. Giles said you can read proto-uwgandian?" Angel looked at him closer.
"Wes? What's wrong?"
He wasn't sure what was wrong, except that it was *wrong*. That those
people should not be coming, that it would not be happy with those people
here. That... "Th... This one can read that language, yes."
Cordelia looked at him more sharply than she had been glaring at the phone.
"Wesley, what's wrong? Snap out of it."
And for a moment, at least, the sound of her voice, with the direction in
it that was not a command, merely a concerned request, did snap him out of
it. "I...don't know if I will be able to speak to them. To see them."
"Why not?" Angel and Gunn asked, together. Gunn's tone a touch sharper,
Angel's a touch more confused. He looked from one to the other, unable to
tell which was more concerned.
"They'll know... find out what I am." Whether he meant not human, or
slave, he couldn't have said.
"So, we don't tell them." Cordelia shrugged.
If only it could be that simple. Wesley looked down, at the floor. Very
nearly the spot he had fallen to, in supplication before his former master.
Would they be able to tell? Read it in his eyes or his aura, feel it in the
air? See the indentation in the carpet where he had knelt....
He was on the verge of thinking of himself as it again, and it was
wondering if it could hide in the walk-in closet in its room with a cup of
cocoa and a blanket, and have the scroll or book or whatever it was handed
in to it, so that it could read it with a flashlight and Cordelia could take
But neither he nor it had that luxury. It would not be serving if it did
that, and he... would not be making his friends proud of him. "It will...
I'll try. I just want you to know, in advance, that it may be difficult."
"Why? Isn't proto-ugwhat something you're fluent in?" Cordelia asked, and
he suspected she knew that wasn't what he was referring to.
Still, he answered her. "They...once they know, once they find out... They
did not care for this...me, when I was a Watcher. They saw me fail...when I
was fired, and disowned." It was a struggle to control his words, fighting
against the urge to abase itself and let its Master send it away. Safely.
Cordelia put her hand on his arm. When he met her eyes, they were an odd
mix of muddy brown, and glittering determination. "We don't have to tell
them. They don't need to know, and if they thought that you were a failure,
they wouldn't be coming to you for help."
"They might be desperate," he replied, though her words warmed him.
"Everything's always desperate," she reminded him. "That's what we do. Save
the world and come home in time for Wheel of Fortune. Or those late-night
dial-a-psychic commercials in Angel's case. If they're coming to you,
specifically, it's because they think *you* have what they need."
"I don't call those psychic lines," Angel protested mildly.
"I meant you get home in time for them, since if you were out when Wheel of
Fortune comes on, you'd be a big mousse-covered dustbunny," Cordelia said.
They were trying to comfort him, and it was working, to an extent. So why
was it Gunn's steady gaze at him from a few feet away that was doing the
most to keep him calm, when he hadn't said a word beyond that first question
of what was wrong? But he had to press. Had to know what would happen. It
was new enough in itself, that he needed to know. For so long he only
waited, took what came. Now he needed to know, so he could prepare. Make
it change. "What if...I make a mistake? If...I say something and they
"They don't have to know." Gunn walked closer. "So what if you say
something and they wonder what's up? They want a translation. You give 'em
their translation and they go home. Simple as that."
Wesley wanted to believe him. He wondered if pretending he did would work
as well as it used to.
They managed to keep him calm, and distracted, for the next few hours.
First they sat in the office and talked, then they turned the television on.
At one point Angel went out and came back with ice cream, but Wesley hadn't
been able to eat much of it. He had had a chance for a quiet conversation
with Angel -- asked him to please be the one to explain, if it came to that.
Bad enough they should find out, he knew he couldn't bear to explain.
Angel had simply nodded. Said of course. Of course he would explain, be the
go-between to people who had mixed feelings towards him at best. He had been
willing to help explain things to Gunn, he was willing to explain to Buffy.
Wesley didn't know if Angel's calm assurances made him happy that his Master
was really his friend, or sad that after this long, he still needed them.
Now they were all sitting around, pretending not to be waiting. Every
vehicle that drove past made at least one of them jump...then suddenly a car
pulled up to the curb outside. They all turned, watched as the headlights
went out, then dark forms moved from the vehicle and thumps were heard, as
the car doors were closed.
Wesley wanted to leave. Tell them he knew nothing, had forgotten all his
languages. Even as he thought it, the fear settled in him and he knew he
would do as he was told. Felt himself falling into the very habits he
wanted to hide away.
Watched as first Willow-- who didn't disturb him so much, since she had
always been rather friendly, even if that kindness was never specifically
aimed at him-- then Buffy, and finally Rupert Giles walked through the
office doors. When the Slayer took a step toward him, determination written
on her face, he began to feel much smaller than even the height of his human
body. Began to wonder if down on the floor in that unmarked spot on the
carpet was not the best place for it to be after all.
Greetings were exchanged in that perfunctory manner that had always seemed
to float around the meetings between the two groups. Honest hugs between
Willow, Buffy and Cordelia. Awkward hello's between Angel and everyone
except Willow, who had a smile even for Gunn, who was half-glowering as he
was introduced to the crowd. He was also standing very close to Wesley,
something that gave Wesley an unexpected jolt of him-not-it-ness. Through
it all, Wesley breathed, slowly, and tried to speak as little as possible.
"So, here's the scroll," Giles said, instantly to business as soon as the
round of greetings and introductions were over. He handed a small, tightly
wrapped piece of parchment to Wesley, who took it and had to stifle the need
to bow his head as he received it. He tried to not notice the looks he got
from Buffy and Giles -- Willow was trying to chat with Cordelia, who was
talking and keeping an eye on Wes.
As Wesley unrolled the scroll carefully, spreading it out on the desk,
Buffy asked, "So, what have you guys been up to?" Her tone was casual,
directed at anyone who cared to answer.
"Oh, the usual. Finding naked women, killing stone giants," Angel replied,
a bit too quickly to sound truly calm.
But perhaps they would believe it was nervousness over seeing Buffy.
Wesley tried to concentrate on the scroll, but it was easy to read, simple
to decipher if one had spent a decade serving one's Master's cousins as they
received new servants from the souls of dead Uwgandians.
"Sounds fun," Buffy was saying, and Wesley wondered if he looked up,
whether he would find everyone watching her, or watching him.
He was writing things down. He had a pencil and a legal pad, and he could
write an English translation without ever having to make a decision about
whether to use the masculine or the neuter pronoun to refer to the
translator. He could concentrate on the faded markings of the scroll, the
calm, familiar, sunny yellow of the legal pad, the blue lines on which he
was writing out the translation in a neat, printed hand that was only
Until his pencil-lead broke, of course, and he had to look up to ask
someone for another, and the nearest person wasn't Gunn, only because Gunn
was standing between Wesley and Giles, blocking the older man's view of him.
The nearest person was Buffy.
He looked back down. Perhaps there was another writing utensil at hand,
even though he knew there wasn't because he'd had to search for the one he
now held. He looked, anyway, and only stopped when Buffy asked, "Whatcha
She sounded cheerful and friendly. He opened his mouth twice, before he
was able to say anything at all.
"A pencil," he said in a near-whisper. Concentrating so hard on not saying
anything wrong, he had nothing left to make sure he spoke loudly enough to
"Here," Angel said, suddenly standing in front of the desk, holding out two
sharpened pencils. He ducked his head, unable to say 'thank you'.
Soon enough, it was over. Soon enough, although writing down a page and a
half of information seemed to have taken as long as his entire period of
servitude to Master Airelain. He was aware of the real time passing, as well
as the unending moments of silence that seemed to fall in the space between
each second of actual time. At last he looked up, to find Angel still near
him, and he handed the legal pad over. Would it be required that he speak?
He had written the translation very clearly, and the results were hardly
open to interpretation.
"This is it?" Giles asked, accepting the paper from Angel. He looked at
it, frowning slightly. It was over -- they would take the translation and
go. He would let his friends make him feel better-- "You're sure this is
correct?" Giles asked.
"It is," was out of his mouth before he meant it -- then realized they
would misunderstand what it had said.
"Cool! Thanks, Wes," Buffy grinned. Wesley inclined his head, hoping they
would leave, now. Waiting, impatiently for them to do so.
"That was rather quickly done," Giles said. "No references... are you
certain about this passage, here?" He pointed to a line of text.
Yes, he was certain. He had been thinking of nothing else but translating
the passage perfectly, so that these familiar strangers would leave and
allow him to collapse in peace. But the question jarred Wesley, so badly
that the stutter slipped out, and with it the habitual slip of
self-awareness. "It is certain."
Buffy looked at him questioningly. "It is certain?" she repeated, playing
its own speech patterns back at it like a recording. "You sound like a Magic
"He does not," Cordelia countered instantly, then faltered as she
apparently tried to think of a reasonable explanation.
"Was there anything else you needed?" Angel asked, almost smoothly, into
the expectant silence. Everyone who had been staring at Cordelia, now
stared at Angel.
"No, this was... everything," Giles said. He shot a curious look back at
Wesley. "Is there something...." He trailed off, sounding uncertain that
he really wanted to know.
Wesley's friends all gave Giles totally innocent looks. Buffy's eyes
"Why are you all standing like that?" Willow suddenly asked. "It's like
you're trying to protect Wesley from...us?" Her eyes widened.
Cordelia's widened just as much. "Who, us?" Similar expressions of
determined 'We don't know what you're talking about and we're not *going* to
know what you're talking about no matter how much you talk about it' graced
Angel's and Gunn's faces.
Buffy's eyes narrowed even further. It should have known. Should never have
expected that the Slayer who had seen it fail, perhaps its greatest failure
in its long life of servitude, would not see it failing again. Failing to
hide what it was, failing to be free instead of just trying to act free.
"Look, if that's all you need..." Angel had stepped forward again,
standing between Buffy and Giles. "Shouldn't you be heading back to
Sunnydale now? Don't you have something urgent to do with that scroll?"
Unfortunately, it could see that its Master's attempts to distract them,
only served to intensify their suspicions.
"Wesley? Is there anything wrong?" Giles asked carefully.
It shook its head. Looked at Angel for reassurance. Their visitors caught
its glance, however, and suddenly it was surrounded by the Watcher, the
Slayer, and a pissed-off witch.
"Wesley, do you want to come with us?" Buffy glanced over her shoulder at
Angel and Cordelia. Giles was glaring at each of Wesley's friends, and
giving Wesley a concerned look.
Go with them? Why on earth would it want to go with them, back to
Sunnydale, away from its friends and its life and its bubblegum ice cream
and the fact that it could watch a professional ice fishing tournament with
Gunn and still have a good time? It recognized the concern on its former
colleague's face, could see that they did not wish it harm, but was not made
more at ease by their behavior. It looked around at its friends again, then,
slowly, shook its head.
"You don't have to ask their permission, Wesley," Willow said quietly,
casting uncertain looks at Wesley's friends. "Whatever they did to you--"
She stopped and smiled at Angel, who was standing right beside her. "Not
that I'm saying anyone did anything. But, maybe we could continue this
conversation elsewhere?" She glanced at Wesley, again.
Wesley did not answer her. "Angel?"
"I think you can leave now," Angel said to their visitors, though his eyes
never left Wesley's.
"Not until we know what's going on," Buffy countered, and the threats in
both of their voices matched almost perfectly.
Gunn stepped a bit closer to her, as if he didn't know the power inherent
in the Slayer's diminutive form-- or didn't care. "What's with you people?
Nothing's going on, and Wes is just fine right where he is. Unless you folks
got a job offer for him or something?"
"Which explains why you don't want us to stay? Won't let us talk to him?
Why he keeps looking at Angel as if asking for permission before he says
anything?" Buffy glared back, and for a moment no one moved. "If I didn't
know you were human, I'd--"
"You'd what? Lady, I don't know where you think you get off coming in here
They were toe to toe, Gunn glowering down at Buffy, the Slayer holding
power in check that could throw Gunn across the room, if she let go, and
Wesley did not want to see this any longer. Did *not* want this to be
happening. Did not *like* this.
"Please stop," he said softly, and when they continued to glare at each
other, he repeated it. Louder.
They stopped, and looked at him. Buffy was still confused, but the
expression on Gunn's face.... Gunn was smiling. Surprised, but there was
that tiny smile of pride on his face. Wesley allowed himself to be
distracted by it, for a moment.
"Fine, then tell us--" Buffy began. Wesley knew what he had to do -- had
to explain, so they would stop...trying to rescue him. Which was exactly
what they were doing, he realized.
He glanced at Angel again. Buffy stepped in front of him, so he could not
see its Master's eyes. "Tell us what's wrong. Something's wrong."
Wesley forced himself to look into determined blue-green eyes that... What
would a Slayer's aura look like, he wondered. He had never seen Faith's with
his natural senses--nor, he suspected, would he want to-- but Buffy's... But
he could not. He had to explain, and...
Perhaps, though, that would be the simplest way. "There is nothing wrong,"
he said as calmly as he could, as he held on to 'he' with everything he
possessed inside himself. "But things are not as you thought they were. *I*
am not what you thought I was." And he looked.
Her aura was filled with stars.
"Your eyes just went all funny," Buffy said.
"Oo, they did -- are you the possessed one?" Willow asked, tilting her head
to one side. "Because we can do something about that...I think...."
He turned his head slightly towards Angel, since the vampire could not read
the direction of his gaze when his eyes were this way. Angel nodded,
recalling his promise to be the one to say these difficult words, and asked,
"Would you like to show them the rest?"
Wesley bowed his head slightly, gesture of the slave he was, but nothing
that would get him frowned at. As he let his body flow into its original
form, he looked at the others.
Willow was surrounded by a dark green aura, pulsating gently to the rhythm
of the earth. Giles' was sharp and clear, with a hint of blue, and it
reflected the light of his Slayer's stars. They all reflected confusion.
"This is what I am," he said simply. Then he corrected himself, at a look
from Gunn. "This is part of what I am."
With even his friends looking stunned, perhaps at his ability to use the
word 'I' while standing here in this form in front of these people, he began
"But... why didn't you tell any of us? Ever?" Willow said slowly, still
looking at him as if she was certain *someone* in the room were possessed.
The others had finally sat, or perched on the edges of desks or other
furniture, while he had spoken. He was still proud to have never called
himself 'it' or 'this one' during the entire story. "How could I? At first,
I had no permission to do so. I'd been instructed not to let *anyone* know.
After... I thought I was free. And," he felt his heart stammer, once, and
continued, "And you were not my friends. I had no need to tell you."
The three from Sunnydale exchanged guilty glances. They didn't try to
object, though Buffy muttered, "Yeah, well, you *were* kinda annoying," as
if to excuse their behavior.
Willow still looked hurt, and Cordelia spoke up. "Hey, he only told *us* a
few months ago, and we're his best friends." She gave Wesley a flash of a
Which he returned, even though the sight of his natural smile made Giles
blanch, slightly. "I can't help but feel..." the newly reinstated Watcher
said slowly, "that we wronged you somehow. And yet the role you were being
asked to play was someone who did his best make things impossible for us in
"I...should apologize," he said, not entirely sure he wanted to, but able
to acknowledge how they must see it. "I had no choice." His friends were
giving him their sad looks, again. He wanted to make those expressions go
"No, you needn't apologize," Giles was saying. Wesley returned his
attention to his former colleague. "You did as you were told. We were the
ones...well, we had choices."
It was Buffy, surprisingly, who nodded. Who placed her hand on Wesley's
arm-- Wesley's transformed arm. Buffy, who he would have expected to hold a
grudge the longest, no matter her concern for his welfare, based on the last
time he had seen her, when she was condemning Angel for deciding to help
Faith. "I can't take back what went on back then, and I don't know if I
should. But... things have changed. For all of us. I just want to know if
this is what you want. If you're happy here." The starlight in her aura
pulsed, slightly, and he wondered if Angel had seen it, or something like it.
If that was why.
"I..." He stopped, and considered the question. It would be easy enough
to say 'yes', and they would accept his answer, and go. He looked at his
friends once more. "I am almost happy."
"Almost?" from several in the room.
He nodded. "There is one thing I need to...settle. Then I believe I shall
be happy here."
"What's that?" Buffy frowned.
"Do you have a Fingerhut catalogue?"
The others were a little shocked, he supposed, when Cordelia bounced it off
his head. "Willow, you were right. He *is* possessed. Do you know of a
spell to cure consumer suckerism?"
Willow's mouth was open in a little round O. Then it finally snapped shut.
Finally, finally, she grinned. "A subscription to the Sharper Image catalog?
It worked for Xander. Just looking at all those expensive toys he couldn't
*possibly* afford made him disgusted with the cheap stuff."
"Sharper Image?" Wesley turned to her. He saw Angel groan.
No one said much of anything, after Buffy, Giles and Willow finally left.
There was a general air of relief, of 'glad that's over with', even though
things had gone rather well, all told. Wesley was glad to be alone with his
friends, once more -- glad he'd spent the entire evening thinking and
speaking of them as 'his friends' and not 'his master and his master's
He'd only started to call Angel 'Master' once, and had caught himself
before anyone besides his friends noticed. He'd gotten more sad looks,
then, but they were all gone now.
Perhaps it was the ice cream they'd taken out of the freezer, and were now
trying to bully Angel into tasting.
"It's only banana cream, it won't kill you," Cordelia was saying.
"You don't know. It might. There might be holy water in it," Angel said,
backing away from the spoon.
Wesley read the ingredients off the carton. "Milk, sugar, cream, natural
banana flavoring. Polysorbate 80. No holy water."
"And what exactly is polysorbate 80? I've always wanted to know," Gunn
deadpanned. "I mean, were there really seventy-nine different polysorbates
before they settled on whatever's in that ice cream?"
"You're really increasing my inclination to taste that stuff," Angel
"Oh, go on, Angel," Wesley said, and from Gunn's reaction he guessed he
once again 'almost sounded like himself'. "I tried it, myself."
Angel looked doubtful. "Did you like it?"
Wesley hesitated. Then he turned to Gunn. "Do you know if I could get a
custom bowling ball made?"
"You're thinking maybe you can beat my ass even worse, if you have a
"No, actually, I was simply thinking that I might like one with my name on
it. I saw several like that the last time we were at the bowling alley, and
it would certainly make it easier to remember which one is mine when they
come back up from the ball return."
"You didn't answer my quest..." Angel began. Then he smiled. "You want one
with your name on it?"
"I--" He stopped. He hadn't actually meant anything by it, just wanted to
tease Angel by ignoring his question. But...the thought of putting his name
on his own bowling ball.... He smiled, a bit shyly. "I'm afraid my name
"'Wesley' wouldn't fit on a bowling ball?" Cordelia asked.
"No, my...um. My real name."
Cordelia looked confused, as he had expected she would. They all did. Gunn,
though, said quietly, "I thought... thought you didn't have a real name.
Wesley breathed. "I... did not. Officially. Slaves did not have names. Did
not need names. Were not different, one from the other, to the Masters. But
among ourselves, there were... things that were not spoken, anywhere else."
"You're saying...you have a name?" Angel asked. He didn't sound upset at
having been misled. Rather, he sounded as if he were holding his
breath...if he breathed.
"Not as such--" he began. Then he nodded. "Yes. In...the tradition of my
people. We were not allowed to name ourselves, even...amongst ourselves.
The Masters forbade it. Said we were things, and as such 'slave' was enough
to label us all. But we knew we were individuals. Even with no rights of
our own. Instead of names, we referred to each other by where and when we
They all looked at him, varying expressions of surprise on their faces.
Then Cordelia's face screwed up, a bit. "Wouldn't that get redundant?
'Born in his mom's bed on June 3rd' -- how many kids get that name?"
He smiled at her. "In fact, our children are not born in beds -- birthing
mothers make a point to go outside, someplace unique so that the child can
have its own, unique name. At times it becomes necessary to rearrange the
"You move stuff around so kids can get named?" Gunn nodded. "That's cool.
Hell of a thing to have to do," he added as his eyes and aura darkened.
"But cool. So what's your name that won't fit on a bowling ball?"
"Translated, my name is 'third rock by the fourth blue lander tree at the
height of the day's sun'."
Gunn repeated the name to himself, then smiled. "Yeah, that might be hard
to fit on a bowling ball. Unless you got a really big one."
"It's pretty," Cordelia said. "Hmm. Maybe it would fit if you didn't
Wesley smiled, and repeated his name in his own language.
Gunn laughed. "Is that with three Q's, or five?"
"Maybe I should simply stick with 'Wesley'," he suggested, enjoying the way
Gunn laughed. His aura fragmented and spun like a child's top.
Angel spoke up. "No, we can...there's gotta be a way we can call
"We could shorten it?" Cordelia suggested.
"Third rock? Make him sounds like a tv show." Gunn shook his head.
"Rocky?" Cordelia suggested with a suppressed laugh, singing a bit of the
theme to "Dunt duh duh duh duh dunt DUH duh duh duh..."
"Does that make you Janet?" Gunn asked. "'Cause I *ain't* Brad. Or
"Wrong movie," Cordelia told him.
"It was not--" Gunn began.
Angel looked at Wesley. "What if we call you 'Blue'?"
"Ba ba dee ba ba," Gunn sang. Then he nodded. "Yeah, I like it. It fits,
what with the eye thing."
Gunn was looking at Wesley's eyes, when he said it. He was still looking at
Wesley's eyes when Wesley nodded. And when Cordelia said, "Blue. That would
be a great color for the new carpeting in your suite, too." He was still
looking at Wesley's eyes when Angel rolled his at Cordelia's suggestion.
Surely Gunn had memorized the color by now? Apparently not, because he was
*still* staring distractedly at Wesley's-- or should he be thinking of
himself as Blue?-- eyes after several minutes, as the conversation turned to
other things. Or at least Cordelia's and Angel's did, as Angel finally
opened his mouth to taste the banana cream ice cream. Wesley was still
watching Gunn watch him. Or perhaps he was just watching Gunn.
"So, Angel, you think you might wanna mosey on down to the cafe with me?
See if they have any blood flavoured cappuccino?" Cordelia's loud voice
startled him, and he glanced away from Gunn's watching him watch Gunn watch
his eyes. She shrugged. "You two seemed busy."
"We weren't doing anything," he protested. Not that he'd minded. At all.
He glanced back at Gunn, and caught his eyes again.
"Uh-huh. So, Cordelia. Um, 'blood flavoured cappuccino'?"
"Hey, it's LA. Anything's possible."
Blue had never noticed that Gunn's eyes changed colour, before.
"Cafe Hemoglobin?" Angel was saying. Or something like that. And Cordelia
was saying something back. Something that was no doubt very witty and
Something that he should be laughing at, if he wanted to stay in Cordelia's
good graces. But he could always offer her a footrub, later. Something she
had finally accepted that he did merely because it pleased him to make her
happy. But he wasn't thinking of footrubs, at the moment, not really.
But he did feel happy. It didn't seem to have anything to do with
Cordelia, or making her happy. It seemed to be more about the fact that
Gunn was smiling, now, in the way that meant he was trying not to laugh out
loud. He wanted to ask why he was laughing. Or not laughing, as it were.
Instead he watched.
Found himself wanting to laugh, as well, though he had no idea why. Nor
had he any idea why he was suddenly nervous. Perhaps he should look away,
ask Cordelia and Angel if they wished company. Only he couldn't hear them
Until finally Cordelia tapped him on the shoulder and said loudly in his
ear, "Are you gonna kiss him, or what? Because all this googly-eye stuff is
making me want to either heave, or curl up with a nice Harlequin Silhouette
and a bowl of double chocolate chocolate with chocolate chocolate on the
"Do they make that?" Angel asked doubtfully.
"They'd better, because I'm going to need some." She narrowed her eyes at
them. "That is, unless someone chickens out again."
She nodded, exasperated by something WesleyBlue didn't quite understand.
Gunn, however, had a sheepish look on his face. "Again. As in, in addition
to last week while we were watching the Sound of Music, in addition to this
Tuesday over the raisin toast, in addition to this morning when somebody
whose initials are C.G. thought no one was watching him watch Wesley-- I
mean Blue-- opening the mail. And chickening out as in..."
"We get the point, Cordelia," Gunn said with a scowl.
"I don't," Blue said. Controlling his smile with ease, he merely frowned a
bit. "Have you really been watching me?"
Gunn fidgeted a bit, before nodding. "Maybe, but I--"
"Attempting to...drum up the courage to...kiss me?"
"I wasn't chickening out," Gunn insisted. "I just didn't think you'd want
"I told you we should have forged love letters," Angel said.
"That would have been quite dishonest," Blue chided him. Realized he was
chiding his Master, and smiled. Smiled wider when Angel smiled back at him.
"But faster than this. Geez!" Cordelia said. "Are you guys gonna smooch, or
Blue looked at Gunn. Who was looking back at him. "No," he replied firmly.
"Really?" came the disappointed rejoinder. Only it was from Angel, which
was a little surprising.
"No," replied Blue, once more. Not really answering the question, but it
was a nice thing to be able to say. "Not until you leave," he finally
"We have to leave?" Cordelia sounded disappointed.
Gunn was smiling, again, and his aura was doing something *very*
interesting. It made Blue want to reach out and touch it. Then he didn't
have to reach out, because Gunn had moved forward. Close enough to touch,
close enough to kiss. He stopped, almost an inch away. "I don't hear
There was grumbling, and Cordelia said, "I can't believe we have to miss
this, after all our hard work."
"Cope and deal," Gunn said softly, from even closer. Not quite close
enough, but almost.
"This is the part where we pretend to leave so they can pretend we can't
see them," Cordelia whispered loudly to Angel.
"No, this is the part where you leave, so you can't see us," Blue corrected
"Come on," Angel said. Then his voice lowered. "We can watch through the
Gunn's eyes were still boring holes into his own, and the flickers in
Gunn's aura were touching Blue's. He was ready to say to hell with it and
kiss him anyway.
Then there was the sound of the door, opening. Closing. Gunn leaned back
quickly and took hold of his hand. "Come on." He pulled Blue into the back
office, away from the line of sight through the front windows.
He followed, willingly, and stopped when Gunn turned, faced him -- then
For the third time. As in, after the raisin toast had been burnt and Angel
and Cordelia had left the room because they couldn't stand the scent of
charred bread. As in, after the mail had been opened and Cordelia had left
the office to attempt to hide Wesley's new Fingerhut catalog. As in...
"You know your eyes go clear when you do that?" Gunn asked him.
"Do they? Every time?"
"Don't know. Maybe I'd better check." And they kissed, again. "Four out
of four. Is that a good sample?"
He shook his head. "For a proper sample, you should have at least a
"A hundred? Damn... that could keep us busy all night."
Blue smiled, and leaned against his lover. "I believe that is the point."
Gunn's hand was soft on the back of his neck. Searching his allegedly clear
eyes. That old look back, for a moment. "Are you sure this," and a hand
indicated... What? The room? Himself? Both of them? Everything? "Is what you
"I believe," he said carefully, as if testing each word before he spoke
them. Which he wasn't, because he'd already done so, in private. He just
wanted to make sure he didn't forget any. "That I like this, very, very
"You do, huh?" Gunn said, sounding amused -- except for the hitch in his
"Would you like to know why?" When Gunn nodded, Blue leaned back in to
resume the kiss, about which there was no doubt of liking. "Because it
Another kiss silenced both question and answer-- or perhaps served in their