Title: Son of Small Fry
Authors: Dood and Foob.. er, Mad Poetess and James Walkswithwind
Pairings: Spike/Xander/Anya, Gunn/Wesley, Willow/Tara, and mystery surprise
Sequel: to Small Fry, findable at http://perian.slashcity.org/gila or
Feedback: yea! email@example.com and firstname.lastname@example.org
Archive: list archives; all others please ask
Disclaimer: not ours, no profit made
Summary: The Scooby Gang has recovered from touching the thing they
shouldn't have touched, and they touch it again. This time on purpose.
Warning: extreme cute soppiness. You thought the first one was bad.
Notes: MP says "Oops, we did it again?" and JW says "and I am *not* writing
a third one, no matter how many plot ideas we get. Maybe."
Gunn stayed right behind Wes the whole time. Not just because he got to
see Wesley's ass, which wasn't pansy but was nice, but mostly because he was
half-convinced Wesley would chicken out if he could.
Threats against the Royal Doulten whatever or not, they were spending way
too much time, in his opinion, getting prepared to undergo the spell. Wes
was just using the failure to find anything acceptable as for an excuse to
weasel his way out of it. He hadn't said anything out loud, but Gunn was
used to seeing those gears turn inside Wesley's head. He could see them
turning now, and he knew it wasn't a good thing.
They'd given in to Giles' suggestion that before they touched the statue
again, they take some time to prepare. Gunn had thought it was gonna be
some magical mystical stuff, but as it turned out -- Giles wanted to go
shopping. Apparently stuffy British men had a thing about wearing Winnie the
Pooh and Mojo Jojo.
All stuffy British men, because Wesley cheered his suggestion on like a
tall, skinny, male Laker Girl. Rah, rah, go Giles. Except Gunn happened to
know for a fact that Wesley owned three pair of Pooh-related boxer shorts:
classic Pooh, Disney Pooh, and Rabbit eating carrots. True, he didn't wear
'em in public, but it was enough to tip the 'Wesley doth protest too much'
scales in Gunn's head.
"Are you absolutely sure you want me to do this?" Wesley was turning
around and whispering to him now.
"What, wear size 3T hip-hugger flares with rhinestones on the back
pocket?" Gunn took the offending item out of Wesley's hand and stared
critically at it. "No, you don't have the funk for it. Even as a four year
old." Wesley gave him a look that would curdle demon's blood. Gunn just
hung the pants on the rack. "Here, this'll look good." He really had no
idea, and didn't care -- they were khaki coloured, looked a bit loose in the
hip. But he didn't want to give Wes any more of a chance to say--
"I meant go through with the spell! What if something were to happen? If
we come up against some Crogorian demons, and someone has to be able to
"You think you won't be able to read Crogorian demon notes because your
head'll be smaller?"
Wesley glared again, and Gunn knew it was just nerves, and not actual
anger. Which meant there was no way on this earth Gunn was letting Wes back
out of this. And not only because he *had* to see the look on Cordelia's
face when they got home.
"What size did you wear, anyway?" Gunn glanced over at where Giles was
shopping rather easily -- who knew they made stuffy clothes for four year
olds? Willow seemed to be having no trouble; Gunn could hear her jabbering
about baby clothes her mother had kept. Tara wasn't saying much, but Gunn
could see her smile every so often.
"I was very small as a child," Wesley replied, quietly.
"Yeah? You hit that growth spurt at sixteen, like Dawn?" Gunn nodded over
to the teenager, who was helping Willow and Tara pick out clothes. He
*didn't* think about a tiny four-year-old Wes, living in that house, with
that father. Didn't think about it, really hard.
Wesley shook his head, picking up a really small pair of brown cords.
"Twelve. In the space of six months, I went through three trouser sizes, and
four shoe sizes. Mum had a fit. Not that we couldn't afford it, she just
didn't like to shop."
Gunn *did* think about a twelve year old Wes suddenly springing up like a
stringbean, and being dragged out to the stores by his... "You had a nanny?"
He grinned. "Mom send you out to English Kids Gap with Mary Poppins?"
Wesley glared at him, but that faraway 'I'm little and four and scared'
look was gone from behind his eyes, so Gunn chalked one up in the 'Go Gunn,
Go Gunn' column. "No, I did *not* have a nanny." He looked around like he
was afraid somebody would hear him. "Mother had a private fitter come in.
Other kids were wearing Calvins off the rack, I was wearing Harrods'
"So maybe we *do* need to get you the rhinestones." Gunn looked back at
the pair of hideously goofy pants he'd hung up. "And those shirts up front,
with Pokemon and Barney on 'em--"
"I shan't even dignify that with a remark."
"You just did." He grinned when Wesley just shook his head and went back
to searching for something 'decent' to wear. But Gunn knew - if ever there
was a guy who needed to wear silly cartoon shirts.... He'd have to go ask
Willow to grab a couple and pretend they were for her. "Come on - just think
how much your old man would *hate* it." He saw it -- he knew Wesley didn't
want him to, but as Wesley stared down at the selection of jeans and slacks,
there was the slightest twitch in the corner of his mouth. "We'll even send
'em a picture," Gunn offered, and saw that -- oops -- one step too far. Wes
shook his head and opted for the boring blue Dockers.
"That won't be necessary," Wesley said, his distracted tone telling Gunn
that the 'Go Gunn' column was scored against. Damn.
Still, he was shopping, and even picking out the boring stuff meant that
he hadn't managed to squirm his brain into a position where he could back
out of his agreement to go through with the kiddifying.
Or maybe not, since Wesley turned to him, holding up a small polo shirt,
and saying, "I don't know..."
"Wes, what's to know? You'll be a kid for a few weeks, get to ride all the
rides you're too big to go on now, and you'll be back to normal before
Antiques Roadshow finishes up its re-run season."
"I meant that I don't know if I should go for the blue or the aqua," he
said mildly. Then the eyebrow went up. "Rides?"
"Sure, I figured you, me and the dead guy could swing by Disneyland on our
way home. Or maybe on our way back here? Would you rather go as a real kid,
once your brain goes all rugrat on ya?"
The brow furrowed, now. "Disneyland isn't *on* the way to Los Angeles.
Nor, strangely enough, on the way back here *from* Los Angeles."
"So? You got someplace else to be?"
"I--" Wesley stopped, and glanced over towards the other soon-to-be
children. "There isn't any reason why we should do anything...out of the
Gunn nodded. "Uh-huh. What you *mean* is, it wouldn't be fair to go have
fun without inviting the other rugrats. That's cool, we can all go." Wes
gave him a sharp look -- which meant he knew it would be impossible to beg
out of, once the other children were invited. 'Go Gunn' was once again
winning. Before Wes could re-word his 'no, no, we needn't', Gunn raised his
voice. "Hey, guys, you wanna go to Disneyland with us?"
Wes tried the 'die evil demon' glare on him, again. Still didn't work.
"Hell, yeah!" from Spike, who, to Gunn's surprise, had offered to pay for
Willow and Tara's clothes, since they'd paid for his and Xander's. It was
only when Wes had pointed out that Spike didn't have a job, so he was
actually volunteering *Xander's* money, that it made any sense. Weird sense
though, since Gunn still didn't understand why Spike would want to go
shopping for kids' clothes.
"Why do you wanna go to Disneyland? You're not tall enough to go on any of
the rides anyway," Xander said from behind him, standing on the bottom rail
of a clothesrack to loom over his lover's shoulder. Trouble was coming, and
it didn't take a vampire-hunter's instincts to sense it. Sure enough, the
whole rack started to wobble, and Xander jumped off just in time, before it
fell over on them both.
"You two are gonna let those guys raise you?" Gunn asked Willow and Tara,
who were backing away from the SpikeandXander sprawl that had resulted from
Xander's death-defying leap to safety.
"Oh, I'm not worried," Willow said blithely. Gunn wondered if she had a
spell up her sleeve. "Anya will be home soon, and she'll keep...." Her
brow furrowed. Gunn could see her thinking it: Anya had already had how many
months to get these boys in line?
"Uh-huh. You wanna come down to L.A. with us? Cordelia can go nuts
Willow smiled. "That's OK. They don't look like much," she sent a
dubious glance towards the two guys who didn't seem to be trying hard enough
to actually disentangle themselves and stand up, despite the saleswoman who
was standing over them, scolding and shouting and asking if they were all
right in that 'please don't sue us' tone of voice. "But they clean up nice."
"If you say so." Gunn took a step back from the mess, as Giles, Tara, and
everyone else in the whole store, had already done.
"Maybe you two should wait for us at the food court?" Willow was saying,
grabbing Spike by the ear and hauling him up.
"Ow! Bloody hell, woman, only Anya's allowed to do that. You're not our
She blinked at him. "You mean I was, before?" Spike muttered something too
low for Gunn to hear, and Willow burst into laughter.
"Do I wanna know?" he asked, before his brain had the chance to pop out of
his skull and smack him upside the head.
"He said they were playing lost babes in the wood, and we were the nice
ladies who took them in and did spells in front of them." She snickered
again. "Did I ever tell you what a good imagination Spike has?"
"Did I ever wanna know?" Gunn asked, wondering for the first time this
hour, why he'd let himself fall into this kind of life. He coulda been a
drug dealer, or a pointman, or something normal. No demons, no vampires, no
Spikes trying to convince Wesley that pink was his colour. He had to put a
stop to that, if only to prevent Wes from copping out just to avoid looking
that silly. "I kinda like him in pink," he said. When Wesley turned an
astonished look on him, Gunn leered, nice and slow, up and down Wes' body.
"Nothing but pink...."
"Are we done yet? I wanna go into Neiman's and look at real people
clothes." Buffy walked up, holding a small purple shirt in her hands, like
she couldn't not shop even if nothing fit.
"We can't afford real people clothes at Neiman's," Dawn reminded her.
"That doesn't mean I can't look at them. I have a good imagination too,
Spike, meanwhile, was looking Wesley up and down as well, and appeared to
be exercising his own imagination about 'nothing but pink'. Gunn was afraid
he'd have to step up and do some vampire or other some serious damage, but
Xander kindly stepped up and did it for him, smacking Spike on the butt.
"What, I can't look?"
"You're supposed to be imagining me, naked, not Wesley."
"I *am*, trust me. It's been two bloody weeks stuck in that body, though.
Right now I'm imagining Maury Povich naked." There were several, loud,
"eeew!"s, and Xander hit Spike again.
Gunn turned back to Wesley, feeling triumphantly sure that now nobody
would be weaseling his way out of a trip to Disneyland, and not afraid to
let his smug satisfaction show. He noticed that another shirt had found its
way into Wes' hands.
"Excuse me, are you...ready to purchase those?" A timid saleswoman
stepped up beside him. Apparently the large black man was the least scary
looking customer in the suburban white-bread mall store.
"Yeah, we're ready," Gunn told her, since Wes had enough to get him
through a couple days, and he was pretty sure Cordelia would purchase the
rest as soon as she saw the Tot N' Tiny version. The look of relief on Wes'
face almost matched the one the saleswoman's face. When Wesley reached for
his wallet, Gunn put a hand on his arm. "No, it's on me."
"That's not necessary-- I can pay for my own clothes, you know."
"Yeah, but I know you had to be talked into this. I'm not gonna make you
spend your own money on it too. Chill out." The saleswoman was giving them a
confused look-- the 'my own clothes' comment, Gunn supposed. "We like to
role-play," he said with a straight face.
"Oh, thank you, Charles," Wes groaned, as his face once again showed off
the fact that yes, he did look good in pink.
"What? I'm supposed to tell her you're getting ready to undergo an
obscure, ancient ritual where you get turned into a four year old?"
Wesley glared at him. "You could have said they were for my nephew, or
that we're adopted a child, or that we're making a donation to a children's
shelter." He handed the clothing over as he talked, ignoring the way the
saleswoman's hands faltered as she accepted them.
Gunn smiled at her. "They're for our adopted son."
The woman half-smiled, and glanced at the tags. Clearly she was figuring
out if the commission was worth it, or if it was suddenly time for her
break. "Will that be cash, or charge?" she said, attempting to widen her
smile. Good try, but now it looked like her face was gonna break in half.
"Charge," Gunn replied, digging out his credit card as she began to swipe
his purchases across the scanner. Behind him, he could hear Willow and Tara
still fussing over sizes, and Spike generously offering to buy one of
everything Tara wanted in several sizes.
"Yeah, but, you've been off work for two weeks, Xander," Tara was saying.
"Don't worry about it. We've always got plenty of cushion, what with
Anya's investments paying off like they do," Xander answered.
"Oo! Enough cushion to buy the double fudge ice cream mocha sundaes?"
Willow asked. Gunn shivered. Why *anybody* let that girl consume caffeine
and sugar was beyond him.
Gunn had assured him nearly a dozen times. Possibly more, but Wesley had
stopped counting around '9'. Even as he'd been about to step forward and
touch the statue, Gunn had been there. Saying it again.
Wesley blinked. Stared at his hands. Smaller than they'd been in years.
He felt a flutter of something in his stomach, and knew it was time to find
out if Gunn *really* meant it. He looked up, and said resolutely, "I want a
Gunn glared, as he'd promised. "I ain't gonna buy you every--- damn.
Damn, damn. Somebody take my wallet?"
"Not me!" Spike protested loudly.
"I meant, *would* somebody take my wallet," Gunn said. Wesley giggled.
Dear God, he had giggled.
"Oh, in that case, sure." Spike made as if to dip into Gunn's back pocket
to get it, and Wesley slapped his hand. "Mine, thank you."
He didn't mean the wallet, and Spike knew damned well he didn't mean the
wallet. The vampire just rolled his eyes. "Oh, please, like I'm that
"You *are* that desperate," Xander told him. "If what you tried to do in
the car is any example."
"Excuse me, there are children present," Rupert spoke up. "Far too young
to hear about that sort of thing."
"I didn't do anything!" Spike protested, but he walked away from them,
towards Xander -- and began demonstrating what he hadn't done. Wesley
averted his gaze, quickly -- and heard Willow chant something.
"Hey! You little pint-sized witch, leave my boyfriend's bits where they
belong!" Xander yelled, then Willow giggled and Spike shouted something and
Tara said something quietly.
Wesley just looked at Gunn. "Shall we go?"
"Yeah -- just don't be doing the eyes thing at me until we get back to LA,
you hear me?" Wesley gazed up at him, looking as innocent as he possibly
could. "Yeah, that thing."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Well, he had some idea, since
it worked for him as an adult, to an extent. He just hadn't tried it in the
mirror yet, to see its apparently devastating effects when it came from his
Gunn shouldered Wesley's bag of clothes, and turned to the Sunnydale
natives. "Two weeks, right?"
There was some nodding, then a small voice said, "Um... oops?"
"Oops?" Gunn repeated. "Is that like 'oops, I can't get Spike's bits to
come back down,' which really don't bother me much, or 'oops, there's
something I forgot to tell you about how long y'all are gonna be kids?"
Willow looked up innocently at him, and Wesley began to get an idea about
the power of the 'Eyes Thing'. "Well, it's not two weeks, it's 'under the
waning moon.' "
"Yes, and that's two weeks. We have until the new moon," Wesley said, not
sure what Willow was trying to tell them.
She carried the large book she was holding over to him, and handed it to
him. Pointing at the lower right corner of the page, she said, "I
He read it over carefully, and shook his head. "Under the waning moon, is
what it says. What am I missing?"
"When first the round moon begins to shrink, then the child becomes the
man," she read aloud.
"Yes, so it's poetic. They were ancient Mesopotamians; they couldn't
resist it. If you think this is bad, you should read the Epic of Gilgamesh."
"I have. But I don't think it's being poetic, here. I think it means..."
Willow gave *him* the Eyes. "The *first* day of the waning moon."
The entire room went silent. Xander turned to Spike and said, "You know,
those two sound exactly the same."
Wesley gave him a dirty glare. "I sound nothing like Rupert. And why
didn't anyone *mention* that if we changed now we'd have to wait an entire
month to change back? Who found this spell in the first place?" He had to
pause and take a breath, trying to control himself. He'd been barely
willing to do this for two weeks. He was *not* going to remain a child for
an entire month.
"Um, that would be me," Rupert admitted, raising his hand. "Sorry."
"You don't sound sorry. You sound delighted to have the chance to play
'lego-maniac'. Isn't there another spell for this?" He began flipping the
pages of the spellbook.
"Hey, easy, Wes." Gunn put his hand on the page, preventing him from
"I didn't figure it out until just now..." Willow said a bit sulkily.
"So you're not even sure? Damn it, I *knew* this was a mistake..." Wesley
tried again to turn the page again, but Gunn's hand was planted firmly.
"Don't, you'll rip it. Look, it's no big deal. So we have to wait
until...what, the day after the full moon?" he asked.
"Or, um.. we could turn him back today," Willow offered.
That sounded like a fine idea to Wesley, and he was about to say so, when
he felt an arm on his shoulder. Surprisingly, it wasn't Gunn's-- it was
Angel's. "I'll see what I can do about that pony..." he said teasingly.
Wesley shrugged his shoulder, trying to dislodge Angel's hand. He turned
to Willow. "I would prefer to be...um." He looked around the room. "Who is
going to perform the spell?"
Willow blinked at him. She turned towards Tara, then Giles, then back to
Wesley. The four magic-users among them. All of whom were now under the
geas of a spell.
"Oh, just splendid. I going to be fucking four years old forever!"
Wesley slammed the book shut, Gunn pulling his fingers away just in time.
"Hey, it's a simple spell. I could do it," Angel protested.
"Or Anya could when she gets home," Xander offered.
"I can," Buffy piped up. "I've done a spell before." She smacked Xander
on the arm when he leered at her. "Not that kind of spell, Xander."
"I suppose you'll all yell at me if I say I could do it," Dawn said.
"Yes!" everyone yelled at her.
"Geez, turn one pair of Gucci shoes into an aardvark, and you're banned
for life from ever trying another spell..." she grumbled.
"It was a man-eating aardvark!" Spike protested.
"Oh, just because it bit you on the butt...."
"That's not where..." Xander began, and Spike clapped a hand over his
"We have plenty of candidates, so just calm down, Wesley." Rupert said
"Fine. Then one of them can perform the spell *now*. I--" And he
suddenly found himself rising up in the air, and in Gunn's arms. "What are
"Calm down, relax, chill, man."
Wesley glared at him. "I will calm down, once I'm six foot one, again."
Gunn just glared back at him, with that know-it-all look of his. Normally
it made Wesley want to kiss it off him, but right now he felt more
like...ignoring him. Violently. He turned and tried to get down out of
Gunn's arms, but the frustratingly annoying man wouldn't let him go.
"I ain't puttin you down."
"Charles, I don't want to be a child for a month," Wesley said, in what he
hoped was a reasonable tone. "And you're not going to make me. I know you
wouldn't take advantage of the fact that you're bigger and stronger than I
am, right now, to force me to do something against my will."
Gunn didn't relax his hold, though he said quietly, "That was low, Wes."
"Did it work?"
"You really want to be changed back now, I ain't gonna stop you, and you
know it. I'm just not putting you down until you can tell me *why*, without
it sounding like bullshit."
He wriggled uncomfortably, knowing that he *could* bullshit his way, if
not out of it, at least long enough for Gunn to decide it wasn't worth
fighting over. That usually worked. Well, sometimes. Once. It had
worked...no, actually that time had been Cordelia's fault, for interrupting
their discussion with a vision. He sighed, and lowered his voice, despite
the nosy vampires in the room that would overhear him anyway. "I'm going to
There was a pause. "So?" Gunn sounded surprised. "In a few days you'll
be almost like really four -- you won't care."
"I *will* care. I do, and I-- how ridiculous do I look now?" Being held
as if he were a child, talked to and placated as if he were having a
Gunn turned him around and looked him in the eyes-- and smiled. "You look
like a four-year-old Harry Potter," he said.
"You're adorable, stupid."
There was a soft kiss on his forehead, then he was being set down. "I'm
not sure I want to look stupid and adorable," Wesley said, over the sound of
Buffy and Dawn going 'Awwwwww....' "Be quiet," he added. He didn't even need
to look over at Xander and Spike to know they were elbowing each other, and
preparing to say something not remotely funny. "You too," he ordered.
"Ain't he just the cutest little..."
"You're not too big for me to bite you on the arse," Wesley warned Spike.
Spike's hands flew to the fly of his jeans, and Xander whapped him on the
head. "Not in front of...um...." He looked around the room.
"You *don't* look stupid, Wes," Gunn said. Wesley looked up, not sure he
believed it, and not sure either that he wanted to be talked out of changing
back. He didn't want to be teased for an entire month -- or beyond, if they
took pictures they way they'd done for the first four. "Man, you look like a
poster boy for kicked waifs," his lover added in an unrepentant tone.
"That's ever so much better." Wesley folded his arms, and considered
whether it would be out of character to kick Gunn in the shins, or if he
should just hand the spellbook over to Angel. Or Buffy. Or...perhaps he
could call Stuart, once they returned to LA.
There was a sigh. "All right." Startled, Wesley looked over at Angel,
only to find the vampire leaning down and picking up the spellbook. He
began flipping through the pages, looking for the spell.
Angel looked over at him. "What?"
"Well..." Wesley looked up at Gunn. "If I stay a child..."
"Will you buy me a pony?"
"Will it annoy you if I ask repeatedly, all the way back to Los Angeles?"
Gunn glared at him. Wesley widened his eyes. Angel snickered. "I wouldn't
get so cocky, fang-boy," Gunn told him. "Don't think I won't make you
babysit. By yourself."
"Hey, after Pointy-Head and Puppy Breath over there, Wesley will be easy."
"That's Puppy Head and Pointy Face," Xander objected.
Gunn was just snickering back at Angel. "Easy, huh? That's it - you get
to babysit every Wednesday and Thursday. By yourself. Cordy and I'll go
slay demons or something."
"Excuse me? What if I don't want Angel minding me?"
"When does he mind you, now?" Gunn asked.
Wesley sighed, and shook his head. "I mean, watch over me. Not that I
Gunn gave him a surprised look. "You passing up the chance to drive
Angel nuts? Man, you feel all right?"
He stopped and considered that for a few seconds. Then a few seconds more.
He was fairly sure he managed to squelch the grin that was trying to spread
across his face, and keep the stern, thunderous look he'd been trying for
earlier. Mostly sure. From across the room, Spike mimed putting a telephone
to his ear, grinned evilly, and mouthed 'Call us...'
Angel was making a valiant effort not to blanch any paler than he already
was, Wesley noted. "We'll see," was all he said. Then his hand, all by
itself, with no orders from Wesley whatsoever, slipped into Gunn's. "Can we
go home now?"
"Yeah, we can go home, now."
Buffy spoke up, before they could head for the door. "Can I get a
He managed to avoid any picture-taking, though he knew it was only
temporary. Wesley hoped they would, at least, wait until his emotional
state caught up to his physical one and he no longer cared. Assuming he
would no longer care -- he'd been rather reserved and self-aware even as a
child, and he doubted he would be any different during this artificial
And artificial it might be, but the feeling he was getting simply from
trying to look out the window as they drove was disturbing. He was small.
"You sure he doesn't need a car seat," Angel joked. Wesley hoped he was
joking. He'd hate to have to slay the vampire before he had the chance to
drive him nuts.
"Three and under," Gunn replied, looking at the highway ahead of them.
"Yeah, but he's awfully..."
"Close to parts of you that you probably don't want kicked?" Wesley
finished. He was pressed up against the passenger side door so that he could
be in the seatbelt, and Angel, who wouldn't be all that injured if he went
flying through the windshield, sat next to Gunn.
Small, was what Angel was going to say. Smaller than the average four year
old, even. Wesley found himself having to resist sticking his tongue out at
the vampire for being so bloody tall, as if he just had to make the
comparison even more obvious.
"Don't make me pull over," Gunn warned.
"I was just saying--" Angel began. Then he said, "Ow!" because Wesley
"Wanker. I barely touched you," Wesley said immediately, but only because
he knew he couldn't possibly have hurt the grown vampire. He couldn't kick
that hard, now, if he tried.
"I'll pull over, I mean it. You'll both be walking."
"He started it."
Wesley stared up at Angel, astounded. "I certainly did not! You made an
unkind and uncalled-for remark about putting me in an infant's car seat--"
"I would have used a toddler's carseat," Angel interrupted.
"Yes, that's much better," Wesley snorted, kicking him again.
"You know, I could just tie you to the gun rack..." Gunn warned.
"Hey, whatever equipment you two have in your apartment, I don't want to
hear about it," Angel said quickly, rubbing his shin.
Wesley blinked, then felt himself blushing as he pictured what Angel
undoubtedly didn't really mean. Handcuffs were one thing-- actually buying
something besides the bed, to cuff Charles to... Was something he'd have to
think about when he was once again fully able to appreciate the idea.
"Gun rack of the truck?" Gunn was saying, not appreciably embarrassed by
Angel's misinterpretation. Or Wesley's.
"Is that like 'Tarzan of the Apes'? Because I never understood the deal
with-- Wesley? Do you mind?"
"I didn't kick you on purpose," Wesley told him, still wriggling in the
seat. "It isn't my fault your bloody hulk takes up too much room."
"What are you doing?"
Wesley wriggled, then frowned. "Nothing."
"Did you drop something?" Angel had leaned over a bit, and was looking at
where Wesley's hand was down between the seat and the door.
Wesley pulled his hand free. "No."
Angel raised one eyebrow, and reached one of those freakishly long arms
across Wesley, and down to the floor where he'd been fiddling. In a moment,
he pulled out the small figure that Wesley had been trying not to let anyone
see in his possession.
"Dracula?" He grinned. Wesley wondered if he'd fall for that 'photo of
himself on the mirror' trick again, or if --how sad-- he'd have to think up
something new. Something involving pink glitter nail varnish and Angel's
best leather jacket, perhaps.
"It's not mine," he said quickly, as Angel held up the toy and showed it
to Gunn. "Rupert had some insane idea that I might want it, and I couldn't
very well turn him down."
"Isn't this the one they were all fighting over?" Angel asked, still
eyeing the figure. Wesley made no attempt to take it back. It wasn't as if
he'd asked for the thing. He'd only been attempting to fish it out where
he'd dropped it, because Rupert would want it back, later.
"Perhaps he thought I would keep it safe from the others," he suggested.
He found Angel giving him a bizarre look, then Angel was holding the toy out
to him. Wesley took it, and leaned forward to stuff it into the glove
compartment where it wouldn't be lost.
He couldn't reach the compartment. Angel opened it without a word, and
dropped the figure in. Stared at the other contents for a moment. "I didn't
know the raspberry flavor came in twelve packs," was all he said before
clicking the cover shut.
Wesley breathed a sigh of relief that Angel hadn't rooted about in there
to see what else he could find. He wasn't sure, quite, what they'd left in
there, from their last road trip to Mexico.
"It was on sale, too," Gunn said easily.
"Pardon me," Wesley said, as he leaned over Angel's lap. It was a
stretch, without undoing his seatbelt -- but with Angel pressing himself
backwards out of his way, Wesley was able to reach Gunn.
"Ow! Damn, you're a mean little kid." Gunn rubbed his arm, where Wesley
had just pinched him.
Well, they'd *wanted* him to be a child, right? Wesley just sat back and
folded his arms in front of him, and let himself feel smug. Gunn was going
to get every second of everything he could think of...
"I just missed a golden opportunity, didn't I?" Angel asked. Wesley raised
an eyebrow, pictured the position he'd just been in, and glared at Angel.
"Try it, and you'll never have to worry about that Shanshu prophecy coming
true," he said through gritted teeth. "I don't care how bloody valuable you
are to the end-of-the-world fight."
"Right, no pony for the kid with the death threats," Angel noted. He
pulled a little notebook out of his top pocket and wrote something down.
Wesley craned his neck to see what it was, and Angel lifted it higher.
"You're deliberately trying to annoy me," Wesley pointed out.
"I learned from the best," Angel said, almost cheerfully. Then he flashed
the notebook to Gunn, who looked at it for a second, laughed, then returned
his gaze to the road.
Wesley sat back, arms still folded. They were being prats, just because
they knew it would wind him up. Well, he would show them. He wouldn't need
to ring Spike and Xander to do it, either.
Just because he was small, didn't mean there was anything wrong with his
mind -- and he *knew* he was more clever than either of these two. After
all, the month they'd spent sneaking in and adding or removing bags of blood
each morning from Angel's fridge had been his idea. It had only taken a
week and a half before Angel had asked if anyone thought he was losing his
He started thinking about all the things he might do -- most of which
involved getting them to take him someplace public. The 'help, I'm being
kidnapped' was crude, but asking kindly looking, older gay men if they
wanted to be friends with his daddy...
"Buffy, Tara's hogging the popcorn," Willow shouted from her spot on the
couch. Tara gave her a grin, and tossed a piece of popcorn at her. Willow
tossed it back.
"Anybody would think you guys had been kids for a week, instead of a few
hours," Xander said. He managed not to break his straight face when they
both looked at him, agog.
"Excuse me? Mr. Standing In The Corner Half An Hour After I Got
De-Adulted?" Willow shot back.
He scooted a bit further out of popcorn range. "I was just keeping Spike
"In the opposite corner?"
"You wouldn't *let* us stand in the same corner," Spike reminded her.
Xander grinned, and leaned back against Spike's shoulder. A brief trip out
by themselves to pick up ice cream had taken the edge off some of that
'haven't shagged in two weeks' tension. Enough to last them through the
movie, at least.
And once seven o'clock came around, and Willow and Tara and Giles were
dead to the world...maybe they could sneak into the bathroom and take
another edge off. Since it was a sure bet that if they did anything in
Buffy or Dawn's bed -- no one had told them whose bed they got, tonight --
they would both be dust in the morning. Buffy had mentioned knowing a way
to grind up human body parts and dry them out -- informing them of this when
he had suggested that if Dawn wanted to sleep alone, he and Spike would be
happy to bunk with Buffy.
He and Spike would be keeping the miniature witches at their apartment for
the rest of the month, but no one wanted to split up the first night. There
was too much 'slumber party havoc' waiting to be had. Hence the movie and
popcorn night, although Giles was sitting next to the Lego castle. Every
once in a while Xander would catch him sneaking another Lego into place.
"You know, I don't know that 'Die Hard' is actually any more fun to watch
as a kid," Tara said thoughtfully.
"Maybe it's just a guy thing," Willow said, looking at Xander. He
"Big boom? Yippee ki yay, mother--" Spike began animatedly, and Xander
slapped a hand over his mouth at the appropriate spot. Spike stared at it
for a moment, and Xander had to stare at it as well. What, the parenting
stuff was built-in? Either that, or he'd been taken over by an evil undead
hand, like the one in the Wolfram and Hart horror story Angel had told them
a few nights ago.
Tara was staring at the screen. "In fact, as a four year old, I find a
shirtless Bruce Willis much less interesting."
"You found shirtless Bruce Willis interesting, before?" Willow asked, with
an intrigued, very adult tone in her voice.
Xander grinned as Tara ducked her head and stammered, "Well, no, but, um,
n-now I find him even l-l-less..."
Xander took pity on Tara, and whapped his best friend with a pillow. She
whipped her head around, and narrowed her eyes. Suddenly two pillows flew
up and hit *him*. "Hey!" He jumped up off the couch, and leant down.
Willow laughed, then squealed as Xander picked her up.
He started to carry her out of the room, and Tara called out, "Where are
you taking her?"
He stopped. Reconsidered. Tara was a witch, too.... "Just taking her into
the kitchen so she can help carry the ice cream."
He smiled guilelessly, and headed for the kitchen, ignoring the happy
cries of "Ice cream!" from everyone in the room. Including Spike, which he
*still* was not used to. Vampires were supposed to eat blood, and *only*
blood. Not get excited at the thought of frozen sugar.
"You can put me down now," Willow told him when he'd gotten to the kitchen
and was standing in the middle of the room trying to figure out how to scoop
out seven bowls of ice cream while carrying a witch under one arm. Not to
mention the fact that Spike would want Magic Shell. Spike *always* wanted
Magic Shell. He said that breaking through the chocolate to get to the ice
cream reminded him of breaking through somebody's skull to get to the
brains. Which Xander knew was a big fat lie, because Spike didn't even like
brains. Livers, yeah, but not brains.
"Oh, yeah. Put you down. Right." He made absolutely no move to do so, and
started about the process of pulling bowls from the cupboard with one hand.
"Don't make me turn you into a frog, mister!" Somehow the threat sounded
less threatening in a little girl voice. Xander didn't figure he should
tell her that, though. She'd probably take it as a reason to actually try
to turn him into a frog.
He started digging around the cupboards looking for chocolate syrup, Magic
Shell, or sprinkles. He knew he'd find one if not all three -- he'd trained
Dawn well. Er, the monks had.
"Xander Harris! I mean it, put me down!" There was a pause, then a tiny
wavering voice said "All the blood is rushing to my head."
"Silver balls? Coloured sprinkles? Or both...hmm...." He got everything
down and set it on the counter. He had to adjust his grip on a squirming
child before she made him drop her, then considered whether to get down the
marshmallows, too. Not quite marshmallow creme, but close.
Then again... he *did* want everyone else in the house besides himself and
Spike to fall asleep *eventually*.
"Xander, if you don't put me down I'm gonna yonk on your shoes," Willow
"I'm not wearing shoes." He lined up seven bowls on the counter.
"I'll tell you where Buffy hid your G.I. Joe..."
"It's in the medicine chest, stuck in the Vaseline canister. Like a *girl*
could figure out a decent hiding place," he said scornfully as he tried to
open the freezer door. Okay, so maybe a little of his four-year-old-ness
hadn't worn off yet.
He heard Willow chant something, and a whooshing noise, before a cutting
board flew off its wall-hanger and smacked him on the butt.
"Don't make me drop you, Miss Rosenburg," he said in his best Ms. Murtle,
kindergarten teacher, voice. It was frightening that, even now, he could
still imitate her voice.
He did, however, suddenly discover he was going to have to put her
(Willow -- not Ms. Murtle) down. He had the ice cream out of the freezer,
and had the ice cream scoop - but there was no way he could scoop the ice
cream one handed. On the other hand, his butt was stinging. And not in a
good way. While he tried to decide if he wanted to call Spike in here to a)
take Willow or b) scoop ice cream, he reached around with his free hand, and
She screamed loud enough to wake the dead; however, no one came in from
the living room to see what was happening. "Poophead," she said after a few
seconds of trying to get her breath back.
"Dogbreath," he answered easily.
"Tara doesn't think I have dogbreath," she said as he thought deeply about
whether he could brace the ice cream carton against something and scoop
one-handed after all.
"Tara wasn't around when you ate a Milk Bone on a dare from Aura
Masterson." He couldn't see her face, but he would bet his next month's
paychecks that she was sticking her tongue out at him. God, this was fun.
"Sometime while I'm still young and beautiful, please?" echoed in from the
"Who said you were beautiful?" Xander called back to Spike. He tried
pushing the carton up against the side of the fridge and scooping. It
worked as far as that went -- but then he was holding the scoop the wrong
way to tip the ice cream into the bowl.
However, as predicted, Spike came storming into the kitchen. "Who says
I'm not beautiful?" he demanded.
Xander looked over his shoulder. "Can you hold the carton?"
"Eh? Oh, sure. Like a holding the tiger's tail, innit?" Spike sauntered
over and held the carton out away from the fridge-side, so that Xander could
scoop from the other side of it - and thus not have to turn his wrist
backwards to drop the ice cream into each bowl. "Um, this isn't enough ice
cream for *me*, much less the rest of you lot."
"There's three more gallons in the freezer. But one of them is pineapple
sherbet." The gagging noise made Xander grin. "Willow, does that mean
you'd like some? A huge bowl of pineapple sherbet with no toppings?"
"Keep in mind that I'm gonna be living with you for the next month," she
said. "I can make sure you guys have as few opportunities to 'go out for ice
cream' as possible."
"We already went out for ice cream, nyah nyah."
"Where'd you go, Alaska?"
No, to the parking lot behind the A&P, with the big dark carport. Which
was utterly beside the point. Little witches shouldn't know about such
things. Xander put two more scoops in his own, Spike's and Buffy's bowls,
and one more in Dawn's. Then, out of the generosity of his heart, he gave
Willow an extra scoop too. It had nothing to do with hoping they ran out of
ice cream and had to go out for more.
"You wanna give Wendy and the Mini-Ripper some of the pistachio?" Spike
asked, as he put the first carton of ice cream away.
"Yeah -- and put the caramel sauce on Dawn's." Xander grinned when Spike
gave him a 'duh, do I look like I haven't been stealing bites from Dawn's
bowls of ice cream for the last year or what?' look.
"Can I have silver balls?" Willow asked.
"Um, I hate to be the one to tell you this, Wills, but when you grow up
you're gonna have boobies, not balls." A moment later he added "Ow!"
He looked up at Spike in shock. Spike was looking at his own hand, as if
it, too, had been taken over by the evil spirit of Parenthood. Xander used
his free hand to rub his butt, and refrained from sticking his tongue out at
Spike. Not Spike's fault he'd managed to hit exactly the same spot Willow
had gotten. But then Spike smirked, and said smugly, "Shouldn't talk like
that in front of the kiddies," and Xander didn't bother refraining.
"Are you saying I don't have balls?" Willow said in a voice that had a
totally different kind of warning in it than the 'yak on your non-existent
Xander sprinkled silver balls over Willow's dish of ice cream. "You do
"Good answer," Spike told him, a relieved tone in his voice. Xander
raised an eyebrow at him.
"Don't tell me you're afraid of a little witch?" He turned slightly, so
he could dangle said little witch in front of Spike.
"I am when she can do things to you that mean I won't have any more ice
cream for a month! Er, not counting when Anya gets home."
"Weenie." Xander sniffed in disdain. He should have handed Willow off to
Spike, and done the ice cream by himself.
"Not if you don't put me down, Mr. Harris."
He picked up her bowl of ice cream and handed it to her. "Here, hold
this." Should keep her hands occupied for a few minutes, anyway. Spike
grinned approvingly, then managed, somehow to balance four bowls in his own
arms. Xander grabbed Tara's, then realized that his own was still on the
counter. "Um... Willow?"
"Dream on," she said smugly, already digging a spoon into her own bowl--
and how she managed to balance it while being carried under someone's arm,
without having her eyes turn black from the major mojo, he'd never know.
"Fine, I'll leave it." He followed Spike back into the living room, handed
Tara her ice cream, and, finally, plopped Willow back on the couch. Then he
turned around and headed back for the kitchen.
"Going out for ice cream by yourself?" Willow asked snottily.
Spike jumped up and came after him. "Nope, I'm gonna go along and watch."
"You're going to watch?" Giles looked up at them from where he'd been
re-building one of the turrets, having given up all pretense at watching the
"Yeah, Xander shouldn't have to go for ice cream by himself, not when I'm
around." Spike slung his arm around Xander's shoulders, and grinned.
Giles simply stared at them for a moment, then he sighed and shook his
head. "I don't know why I make the attempt to understand a word you say."
"Because you love us," Xander replied. "Especially when we tell you we
left the pirate cove Legos at our apartment." Giles gave him a dirty look.
Xander laughed and went back to the kitchen to rescue his ice cream before
"Look, I just want to get a few things. I'll be out in a trice." Wes was
arguing very earnestly that he should be allowed to go into his apartment by
himself. It might have been more convincing, Angel thought, if he could even
get his seatbelt off by himself.
"A trice? Do real people in England actually say that, or do you just make
that shit up cause you know I don't know?" Gunn asked Wesley. "Never mind,"
he said, before Wesley could do more than open his mouth. "Point is, you're
not going out of this truck alone, so deal with it. Hell, you can't even
reach the door lock on your place, now."
"Not to mention your keys are in Gunn's pants," Angel reminded him. While
Wesley had changed into his new clothes, Gunn had pocketed all of Wesley's
stuff -- wallet, keys, a few things Angel hadn't caught clear sight of as
Gunn palmed them quickly and his heartrate accelerated.
Wesley sighed. "I don't need assistance. I can--" He broke off, and
Angel could see that he was displeased with the facts his brain was giving
him. There was *no* way he could reach the lock on his front door. Mind of
a grown man or not, his body was that of a four year old.
Or three year old, Angel told himself silently. Again -- he'd figured out
that it pissed Gunn off, to say it out loud. Why Gunn cared that Wesley was
an extra-small four year old, he didn't know. "Come on," he said, reaching
down to unlatch the seatbelt -- and grabbing Wesley by the back of the pants
when he tried to scramble for the door.
"Do you *mind*?"
"Not if you don't mind falling out of the truck onto your head, no," Angel
replied calmly. He'd had to be helped up *into* the truck-- so he'd either
forgotten about that during the two hour drive, or he was in some serious
denial. Angel was betting on the second one.
He shifted over and was about to grab Wesley to lift him down, when Gunn
gave a curt shake of his head, unbelted, and opened his own door. In a few
seconds, he was opening the passenger door and lifting Wes up in his arms.
Angel tried not to smile. Tried really hard. He didn't want to scare
anyone, after all. But it was about as easy not to smile at four-year-old
Wes as it had been not to smile at four-year-old Spike. With bubbles in his
hair. Which, of course, made him picture four-year-old Wes with bubbles in
his hair, and---
"Stop that!" Wes commanded.
"Looking at me like that. It's eerie."
"I wasn't looking at you," he denied, though he didn't really expect
anyone to believe him.
"And you can put me down, thank you," Wesley said to Gunn.
Angel noticed that Gunn seemed to be having some trouble not smiling,
himself. "Look, English, there ain't no way I'm not carrying you up to your
place. I'm doing it because I *can*, and you're not ruining my fun." Gunn
turned towards the building and headed towards it. Angel followed, and
heard Wesley sighing.
Then Wes gave *him* a glare. "You needn't come with us, you know."
"I know," Angel replied easily. And kept following. There was no way he
wasn't watching as much of this as he could get away with. Wes was gonna
make him pay for it, anyhow, so he might as well enjoy it while he could.
When they reached Wesley's floor, they were met by a friendly-looking
woman in a blue housecoat, just coming out of the apartment next to
Wesley's. "Oh, hello, Charles. How've you been?"
"Hey, Mrs. Jackson. Not bad." Gunn nodded his head back at Angel. "You
know Angel, right?"
She smiled. "Yes, of course. But who's this little guy?" Angel twisted his
lips to keep from smirking when she walked over and pinched Wesley's cheek.
"I'm--" Wesley stopped, and suddenly acted shy, ducking his head against
Gunn's shoulder. Mostly, Angel figured, because he hadn't expected to meet
his neighbor, and so hadn't come up with a plausible story for who he was
supposed to be.
"My nephew, Reginald," Angel said quickly. "He's gonna be staying in town
for a few weeks while his parents visit Bermuda." Angel smiled calmly as
Wesley gave him a disbelieving look, and Gunn tried to stifle laughter he
wouldn't be able to explain to Mrs. Jackson.
"Reginald?" She pinched Wes' cheek again. "Aren't you the cutest thing?
Do you like visiting your Uncle Angel?" Wesley managed to nod.
"He's a little shy, but he's really a sweet kid," Angel explained, while
Gunn fished the keys out of his pocket.
"Well, he's *simply* the cutest thing I've ever seen." Mrs. Jackson gave
them a measuring look. "Now, if you boys have any trouble with him, you
just call me. I've raised three kids of my own, and I know everything there
is to know about bringing up boys."
Angel wondered if she knew how to get a four-year-old vampire down from
off the top of the refrigerator, while his equally four-year-old boyfriend
was hanging on to your knee and yelling at you that you were ruining the
Great Cookie Jar Robbery and you were a Big Mean Doofus With Perpendicular
Hair. Angel did. It mostly involved waiting.
"We'll keep that in mind," he promised as he followed Gunn into the
apartment. Once inside, with the door shut behind them, Gunn set Wesley
down. The diminutive demon hunter whirled on Angel. And just about tripped
over his own shoelaces, because he'd insisted on getting the lace-up ones
instead of the velcro. Angel had warned him that four-year-old feet had the
magic power to make any shoelaces come untied within ten minutes of putting
them on, but would he listen?
"Reginald?" Wes asked as he struggled to maintain his balance.
"It was the first thing I thought of," he said, as if it really had been,
and he hadn't spent half an hour on the drive home thinking up good names.
Wesley continued to glare at him, as if he thought it just might have an
effect. Heh. He'd been the Scourge of Europe, and he'd babysat Xander and
Spike for several hours at a time. This was nothing. "Besides, it's a good
English name. Um, isn't it?"
Wesley didn't seem to care to dignify that with an answer. He sat down
and began re-tying his shoes, while Gunn headed for the bathroom. Angel
watched as Wesley tied his laces, and wondered if the four-year-old would
appreciate Angel pointing out how adorable he looked with his face all
screwed up in concentration like that.
Maybe he should have taken the disposable camera Buffy had offered him.
After a moment's thought, he grinned, and pulled his pen and notebook from
his pocket. Turning two pages past the one he'd shown to Gunn, on which he'd
written 'No pony, right? We agreed, no pony' -- he began to sketch.
The short hair-- which had stayed short, unlike Spike's sudden mop of
curls -- framed a thin, pale face, filled with a very adult sort of
determination, as the small fingers doggedly looped the laces into a
lopsided bow. Angel had finished the sketch, absently added his habitual
Celtic A signature, and had been thinking deeply for at least thirty seconds
about what to call the finished painting, before Wesley looked up at him.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing..." Angel said, pocketing the notebook with a particularly
Wesley walked over and, with his fists on his hips, looked up at Angel
with the most *innocent* expression Angel had ever seen...in the last half
hour. "Angel?" he asked, very sweetly.
"Hey, I got your toothbrush and every-- Angel? What are you doing?"
Gunn stood in the doorway with a small bag in his hands.
Angel blinked. "What am *I* doing?" Wesley was the one looking innocent.
Gunn gave him a 'yeah, right' look. "Wes? What else you want besides your
"I'd like to take some books. I'm in the middle of Durst's Compendium of
Demon Arts." He dropped the innocent look and went over to his bookshelf,
then muttered and went over to the couch. Then over to the chair, then into
When he came back out again, looking frustrated, Gunn asked, "Uh, is that
a little blue book, about this thin? Gold letters on the cover?"
"Yes, why? Do you have it?" Wesley walked over and took the bag from
"No, I think it's at my place." Gunn grinned. "You know, that night when
we got back from fighting that banshee? And you said you were too tired, and
you just wanted to read, and you got maybe through half of a chapter
before--" Wesley kicked him in the shin."Damn, I'm gonna haveta start
callin' you MLK, ain't I."
Wesley gave him a curious expression. "Doesn't that usually stand for
Martin Luther King?"
"Yeah, but in your case, it's Mean Little Kid."
Wesley shrugged. "You were warned."
"When was I warned?"
"In the truck. You don't learn from experience?"
Gunn gave him a look like 'I bet I'm gonna have a *hell* of a learning
experience this month' -- and Angel couldn't help but agree with him. "Yeah,
maybe. Those shoes *hurt* though. What, they got steel toes?" Wesley
sniffed, obviously having decided that wasn't worthy of an answer. "You got
everything else you want?" Gunn asked. Wesley nodded, then frowned.
"I..." He looked distrustfully at Angel, then beckoned to Gunn, who walked
over with a grin and leaned down. Wes whispered, "Rupert" in Gunn's ear,
then blushed, as it hit him that Angel could hear what was going on outside
in the hall, much less something whispered a few feet away from him.
Gunn just smiled. "That's at my place too, remember?"
"So it looks like we're stopping by your place, next," Angel said, trying
to look like he wasn't thinking of drawing a picture of Wesley, sleeping
with his teddy bear.
"Stopping at...? Angel, I'm staying there. Not stopping by." The
four-year-old version of Wesley was as good as the adult version at looking
at Angel like he'd done something inexplicable.
But this time at least Angel knew what he was talking about. "No, you're
staying at the hotel. Gunn, too," he added.
Wesley got a stubborn frown on his face. "There is no reason--"
"I promised Cordy," Angel explained. It was sort of true -- Gunn had
figured that if Wes stayed at his place, Wes would *stay* at his place, the
entire time. Hide under the bed or something. If they were at the
hotel...where Angel, and Cordelia, and anyone else who wandered by could get
at him, they might stand a chance of making Wesley *enjoy* his second
Wesley challenged him, arms crossed over his little overnight bag. "And I
should care if Cordelia kicks your arse for making promises that aren't
yours to keep?"
Gunn stepped in and saved Angel from having to come up with any further
excuses. "Come on, Wes. We stay at the hotel, you can sneak up and shove
shaving cream under the door to Angel's room. And do that thing with the
Wes cut him off. "Yes, all right, don't spoil everything. A man has to
have *some* secrets." After double-checking that he really did have
everything else he wanted, they shut and locked the door-- and Gunn grabbed
Wesley again. "You don't have to do this, you know," Wes said.
Gunn grinned. "Yeah, you're right. Here," he said, handing Wesley to
Angel, who grabbed him despite the well-timed kicking. He'd been expecting
it sooner or later, and knew when to duck. Besides, Spike kicked harder than
this when he *wasn't* serious.
Cordelia looked up as the front doors opened. She'd been waiting
impatiently ever since Dawn had called and said they were on their way back
to LA. She'd already bought all the film she needed. It looked like she
needed some *now* -- Angel was carrying Wesley, who was kicking Angel in the
stomach, over and over. From the look on all their faces, Wesley had been
doing so for awhile.
Then she blinked. "Oh my god! You are *so* cute! Is this what your kids
will look like? Because if so, have some. Have lots." She grabbed Wesley
out of Angel's arms, and held him up for inspection. Wesley rolled his
"I am *not* a side-show attraction. Would you please set me down?"
"Are you gonna run off and hide as soon as I do?"
"Of course," Wesley replied, sounding offended that she'd even asked. She
"Can I get one picture first?"
"I don't see why you're asking. You're all going to do your best to make
this as uncomfortable and awkward as possible--"
"Uh-huh. That's why you keep kicking and pinching anyone who gets within
arm's reach?" Gunn asked.
"He's not kicking Cordelia," Angel pointed out.
She snorted. Mini-Wes looked at her, and she stared right back at him.
"That's because we understand each other. That is, he understands that if he
kicks me, I'll make *damn* sure he regrets it, three and a half feet tall or
"I should think you'd know that I wouldn't hit a woman, whether you, or
anyone else," Wesley said, sounding insulted.
Cordelia snorted. "Considering the number of women you know who could kick
your adult-sized ass, it's a pretty smart philosophy. Now, I did ask
politely-- can I get a picture?"
She could see in his face that he was about to agree -- put up a fuss, no
doubt. But as he opened his mouth, Angel said, "That doesn't seem fair."
Cordelia looked over at him, setting Wes onto her hip as she did, before
her arms gave out. "I don't believe this," Wesley muttered.
"What isn't fair?" Cordelia asked.
"Well, that he wouldn't hit women, but he'll hit -- and kick -- men. That
doesn't seem fair."
Cordelia narrowed her eyes. "You think he should hit women?"
"No, I think he shouldn't be allowed to hit men, either. Or do things to
their favorite black sweater."
"You're the one who insisted we stop for ice cream, so you could watch me
eating it, and make hideous cooing noises," Wesley said. "It's your own
fault, and besides, club soda will take that strawberry syrup right out."
"That still doesn't explain why you're using me as a walking punching
bag," Angel complained.
"It's not as if you can't take it," Wes shot back.
"That's not really the point." Gunn's voice was quiet, and Cordelia looked
up at him, startled to hear him sound so serious in the middle of what she
thought was pretty much the usual snappy banter, more or less. "He's hittin'
and pinching 'cause he hates bein' little, and he's afraid everybody's gonna
take advantage of it. Which I guess we have been, kinda."
The blank look on Wesley's face said everything, if you knew him.
Cordelia slowly set him down onto his own two feet. He adjusted his shirt
slightly, then nodded his thanks to her. "I don't get it; if you don't
wanna be four, why'd you touch the statue?"
Wesley glared at Gunn. "Blackmail." There was a pause, then Angel
snickered. Cordelia joined him, even as Wesley frowned again. "It isn't
"Oh, of course not, Wes," Cordelia assured him. Then she snickered again,
and she heard what sounded a lot like a snicker from Gunn.
"I might not hit women, but I think I could possibly bring myself to pinch
one," Wesley said to her.
She bent down and looked in his face. "I'll pinch you back. Goes both
ways, buddy-- you don't want us to push you around 'cause you're little and
do stuff we wouldn't do when you're a tall skinny dork, you don't get to do
stuff the tall skinny dork couldn't get away with, just 'cause you think I
won't do anything, 'cause you're little."
Angel looked like his eyes were about to roll in opposite directions as he
tried to figure out what she'd said, but Wesley got it, and nodded, finally.
"That seems fair. To a point."
"Meaning you're still gonna kick Angel every chance you get."
"Well, of course."
"Good. Maybe I should have taken a turn; then I'd get to kick him, too."
Cordelia gave Angel a thoughtful look. Angel looked scared. She smiled.
It was good to keep Angel from getting too complacent.
Although she suspected that Wesley would be doing a good enough job of
that, especially once he started really regressing. She thought about some
of the things Willow had told her Spike and Xander had done, and decided
that Angel should be uncomplacent enough to last a year.
"So how are the others? Did you get any pictures of Willow and Tara?"
She remembered Willow at four, of course -- if vaguely. It wasn't that she
really cared if those two were cute -- but asking would distract Wesley
while she grabbed the camera.
"Dawn promised us copies of everything, if we give them copies of
everything," Angel said, sending a guilty look to Wesley.
"Marvelous," was the only thing that came from that direction. Then, "No,
actually, it is. There's some shots of you in...what was it? Care Bear boxer
shorts, that Xander made you buy?" Wesley sounded thoughtful, now. "Do we
have to trade picture for picture, or just a full swap?"
"I think I should get to go through them first," Angel tried. There were
snorts all around.
"Doesn't matter, Willow will still have the negatives," Wesley said
smugly. "And I believe she was talking about scanning them and creating a
"Oo, really? That would be great. We could link to it right off the Angel
Investigations page," Cordelia said as she pulled her camera out and snapped
a picture of Angel, looking pained, and Wesley, smirking like all get-out.
She snapped another quick picture of him, then held the button down and let
the auto-wind capture his image as he went from smug, to annoyed, to
pouting. When she put the camera down, she just smiled sweetly. "Thanks."
"You're not welcome."
Cordelia set the camera aside, and regarded the mini-Wesley. "You know,
you really *are* grumpy."
"Yeah, why don't we...." Gunn came forward, and held out his hand.
Wesley hesitated a moment, casting Gunn a doubtful look, before he took it,
and let Gunn lead him out of the hotel lobby.
Cordelia watched them go. When they disappeared up the stairs, she turned
to Angel. "So. You think we can make him loosen up and enjoy himself?
Before we strangle him?"
"Before?" Angel looked thoughtful. "Maybe," he finally said.
"You think..." She stopped, not quite sure what she was going to say.
"With the kicking, and the hitting, and the pinching... That's not Wesley's
style, afraid of getting taken advantage of, or not."
The look that Angel gave her was one that she hadn't seen in a while, not
since they'd had the telekinetic staying with them, and Wes had tried that
damn fool stunt with bringing up her father. "I don't think he could get
away with kicking anybody when he was really four," Angel said.
"You're saying he's been harbouring a secret desire to kick people?" she
said, not believing for an instant that Angel had a clue what he was talking
about. No big surprise there.
But Angel shook his head. "Not want to -- just being able to. Like last
year when Spike's chip malfunctioned for an hour after he got zapped by the
television? He spent 56 minutes hunting down people to bite...and didn't
actually bite any of them."
"Because Anya would have kicked his ass." Angel sighed, and Cordelia
thought about what he was trying to say. "You think he's just...letting
himself do it, because he can?"
"Maybe not consciously," Angel replied. Cordelia gave him a look, until
Angel gave her a paranoid one, back. "What?"
"You know, for a two hundred and some year old vampire, you're getting
pretty good at the human pysche thing."
"Just...I'm gonna get struck by lightning if I say 'practicing,' aren't
She made her face as blank and innocent as possible. "For having your own
four year old?"
The look on Angel's face was better than a double hot-fudge sundae with
chopped nuts and bananas and whipped cream and somebody rubbing her feet
while naked men wrestled in oil in front of her. Well, almost. It was really
fortunate she'd been anticipating it, and had raised the camera in time.
When he scowled, she put the camera down. "Because, I just gotta say,
I've already done my pregnancy bit." Then she turned and walked away,
smirking to herself at *that* expression.
Wes went upstairs with Gunn, not saying a word. He held Gunn's hand
readily enough, but Gunn knew somehow that if he tried doing as he'd been
doing at every opportunity -- carrying him -- he would get a fireball up his
They headed for the room he'd asked Angel to set aside for them, having
anticipated needing to bring Wesley here, rather than his own place. Partly
for the strength in numbers thing -- he figured it would take three adults
to control Wesley once he got into the kid thing. But partly to *get* him
into the kid thing. He wouldn't unless he knew he was safe. And that meant
safe *emotionally* as well as physically, and that was what Gunn had
forgotten til now.
Somewhere in the middle of looking at Wes in his four-year-old body, in
the BabyGap cords and the plain black Keds because he didn't want any shoes
with cartoon characters or lights that go off when you run, thank you, he'd
gotten caught up in going 'awww,' and he'd forgotten that Wes had some major
issues going on.
It wasn't like Wes ever minded playing the idiot if he had to, or looking
like one accidentally, as an adult, so it hadn't really sunk in how
*serious* Wesley was about them drawing attention to his kid-size body. His
brain might know that the three of them would not only not hurt him, but
would protect him from anything that even looked like it was gonna sneeze at
him, but that wasn't all there was to protect him from.
He turned on the light, and set Wesley's bag down on the dresser. It was a
low one that even squirt-Wesley could reach, which was a nice touch. He'd
have to thank Angel. He turned around to find Wesley surveying the room,
wandering over to touch the chair, then the dresser, then the bed. Like he
was learning how to navigate a room where the furniture was suddenly all
taller than he was.
Gunn watched for a moment, taken aback at how he *looked*. Not just
'isn't he adorable,' though it was tough getting past that one. The serious
expression on his face and the careful way he moved made Gunn want to catch
him up and hold him tight. Give him a raspberry in the middle of his
stomach, just to see if he could make Wes laugh.
But there was also the hint of other things in his eyes, on his face, in
every motion he made. Hesitant, and worried, the way no four-year-old
should look. It might just have been because Wes *wasn't* four.
Gunn held out his hand, when Wesley looked over and found him watching.
His young face darkened briefly, before he walked over. Gunn picked him up,
then, ignoring for the moment Wes' immediate objection. He stepped
backwards, towards the chair, and sat down, arranging Wesley in his lap.
"Really, Charles, I--"
"I'm sorry, Wes," he said. Wesley was trying to squirm down, and Gunn
tightened his arms. Just tight enough to say 'Stop it now, let me talk to
you for a minute.' Just loose enough, he hoped, that Wes wouldn't freak out
and start squirming even more. "I know this stuff scares you. Forgot for a
while, cause I got all caught up in how cute you look."
There was a sniff, or maybe it was a snort, from the little body in his
arms, but the squirming had died down. Maybe it was what he said, maybe it
was the fact that he'd started the chair rocking, very slowly.
"You should be used to it, you know," Wesley said casually.
"Huh? Oh - you looking cute? I am, I mean, you are. I just...." He
stopped as Wesley giggled. Gunn grinned. Giggled. Damn. He'd have to make
Wes do *that* more often. He pressed a kiss against Wes' temple, and heard a
"You realize you needn't keep doing that. I'm fine." Wes didn't sound as
if he expected his lover to believe him, but felt obligated to assert it
"You realize I don't care? For once I can hold you and kiss you as much
as I want, even in public, and the only dirty looks we'll get is from people
who think a fine young black man like myself shouldn't have a white boy for
"I thought I was to be Angel's nephew?"
"Ain't like we're gonna hang a sign around your neck. Every time we go to
the Discovery Zone, or Dave and Buster's, or the park, or Disneyland--"
"We aren't going to just stay home?" Wesley tilted his head back to look
up at him, his voice serious and with a hint of pleading, but his eyes were
"For a month? Even you can only watch so many re-runs of 'Keeping Up
Appearances' before you start throwing things when Hyacinth comes onscreen."
"I can't help it; she reminds me of my aunt Millicent. *She* used to sing
at me, too." The shudder Wes gave him was mostly faked, he could tell.
"Yeah, well I can guarantee we're not gonna spend every day inside while
you throw popcorn at Mrs. Bucket. You and me, we're goin' places."
Wes pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Can we go to the aerospace museum? They
have a lunar lander that you can crawl into. If you're small enough."
Gunn smiled. "Yeah, we can go to the aerospace museum. Hey - we only
have to pay half price for you." Wesley poked him in the ribs, and Gunn
laughed. "Hey! And think of all the places where they have cool children's
"Like Burger King?" Wesley asked, snidely. They'd once had a large debate
about whether they could stop at the fast food place that was *right* next
door to where they'd finished slaying some demons, or if they ought to go
two miles over to a place where Wesley claimed he could get real food.
"You can get a paper crown."
Wes snorted. "I think not."
"Do that again."
Wesley looked up at him, raising one eyebrow. "Do what again? Insult your
taste in alleged eating establishments?"
"Make that noise. The one where you... um... or hey, we could go to the
barber shop and pretend it's your first haircut, and you can throw a big
fuss and they'll all give you candy to make you shut up..."
Wesley snorted again.
"Yeah, that noise."
"Why?" Wesley demanded, glaring up at him.
"Because," Gunn replied calmly, "If I don't tease you, you'll think I've
been taken over by a burrower demon." Wesley regarded him for a moment, his
glare softening into something else. He sniffed. Gunn glared at him. "You
better be yanking my chain with that poor me pout."
There was silence for a moment, before Wes said quietly, "Well, possibly,"
in a very normal tone of voice.
Gunn smiled, and they rocked quietly for a while. It was actually nothing
they hadn't done before; Cordelia had found him a beat-up old glider
loveseat at Goodwill, a year or so ago, back when she'd taken one look at
his apartment, declared it not fit for man or demon to live in, and gone on
a redecorating spree. He'd thought it was kind of old-granny looking, but it
had grown on him, especially late at night when he and Wes would stay up
talking in front of the TV, softly gliding back and forth, neither one of
them even noticing who was pushing against the floor with a sock-footed toe,
to keep the thing going.
"You feel like I bullied you into this?" he asked eventually. Wes looked
up, seeming startled, and Gunn cursed inwardly-- Wesley had almost been
about to fall asleep, and now he was blinking and flattening his lips. Like
it couldn't have waited until tomorrow.
But Wes' eyes cleared quickly, and he shook his head slowly. "I admit, I
wouldn't have done it if you hadn't...persuaded me. But I could have said
'no' - I *am* a grown man, and have--"
He stopped as Gunn lost control of his grin. Wesley's gaze held steady,
one beat, then two, then Gunn lost all control and laughed. He tried
telling himself that he'd decided *not* to laugh at Wes, at least not until
his lover was more secure in his four-year-old state. But to see that little
face and hear that high-pitched voice assuring him that he was quite grown
"I *am* a grown up, Charles," Wesley repeated, sounding quite stern. But
he was very obviously fighting a smile of his own.
Gunn just pulled him close -- mostly so he wouldn't have to look Wesley in
the face -- and hugged him tight. "I know you are. But -- damn! You're
adorable. I can't help it."
"Well, of course you can't," Wesley replied, smugly. After a few seconds
he added, "You can, however, loosen up a bit. I've been de-aged, not
vampirized; I still have to breathe."
"Yeah, yeah. 'Cause you're talking with what, now-- your amazing mind
powers?" Gunn didn't loosen his hug, not one bit.
"My mind isn't amazing? That's not what you told me last week."
"Last week you figured out a way to use a socket wrench as... Damn, I
can't say this stuff to you when you look like this. Somebody's gonna arrest
me." Wesley looked up at him with wide, guileless eyes. Gunn wanted to poke
him in the nose to see if he'd deflate. "Yeah, like that." Gunn nodded.
Then he realized something -- "Damn! I'm gonna get no sex for four weeks!"
Not unless he cheated on Wes, which would involve a lot more than being
guilted by adorable eyes. Suddenly he understood what Spike had been
whining about. It wasn't like he'd never gone that long, or longer,
without -- but never when he'd been in a relationship like this one. It
would be like before, when they were still just friends and playing around,
and he was stuck with fantasizing. Only this time he'd *know* what he was
Wesley laughed-- or, no, giggled, really. Which was gonna take some
getting used to. Gunn glowered at him, purposely hiding the smile that the
high, innocent sound was teasing out of him. "Oh, fine for you-- you ain't
gonna miss it."
Wesley shrugged, his eyes twinkling. "And how exactly is that my problem?"
"It's--" Gunn had the sudden urge to stick his tongue out, but he didn't
"Ain't it past your bedtime or something?"
"Hardly." Wesley settled back against Gunn, wriggling a little until he
was snuggled in. Gunn snickered, but adjusted his hold on Wes so he'd be
comfortable. They sat that way for a while, slowly rocking again. It was,
despite all the weirdness attached, the most comfortable thing he'd felt in
a long time.
Made him wonder if he should be thinking about kids. His own -- if he
thought for a minute he could keep them safe from the evils of the world,
long enough for them to grow up and join the war. Bad enough you had to
protect them from germs and bullies and guns at school. He wasn't so sure
he could have his kids running around while daddy was off killing vampires.
He looked down at the small figure in his lap, hearing Wes' breathing
evening out again and feeling him grow steadily more limp. Wondering, not
for the first time tonight, or even the tenth, how his lover had ever
managed to survive being this small, this fragile, in the world in which
he'd grown up. Which didn't have guns in the schools or vampires on the
streets-- at least not until he'd become a Watcher-- but had been just as
dangerous. How had he managed to grow into the man he'd become?
Gunn wondered what that man would look like, holding a child. He grinned,
and was happy nobody else in the room was awake to ask what he was grinning
Xander let his head fall against the wall, panting hard. He was careful
not to let it thump -- didn't want to wake up any Slayers sound asleep
upstairs, or any four-year-old witches asleep on the couch. Xander had
*tried* to convince Spike to go a little farther than right outside the door
on the back porch -- but that had lasted until Spike started unzipping his
jeans. Now, he was just concentrating on not falling over.
After a moment he had more air, and he said, "Spike? If we ever go *more*
than two weeks without sex...I think it may kill me. Not the not-having
sex," he clarified quickly. "The having-of-sex, afterwards."
"Sissy," Spike accused. "That wasn't even remotely rough. You've done more
athletic stuff with Anya, before I even came into the picture." Said the guy
who didn't *have* to try to breathe and think at the same time.
"Not after abstaining for two weeks," Xander reminded him. Spike gave a
little chuckle, then a 'huh' sound.
"What's the longest you actually went without, back when it was just you
Xander tried to think. And breathe. "Um... utterly without? Couple of
days, I guess."
Spike raised an eyebrow. Xander sighed, and waited. "I'm impressed,"
Spike finally said. "Two whole days. My, how ever did you--"
Xander slapped a hand over Spike's mouth. "Do you want to be invited to
round three of the 'Welcome Home, Anya' party?" Spike just blinked at him,
over his hand. Then he nodded. "Then shut up and go inside before I wonder
why it is I'm still standing. Because I *don't* know why I'm still
standing. I wanna go to bed." Spike waggled his eyebrows -- and looked
ridiculous, since Xander still had his hand over the vampire's mouth. Then
he pulled his hand back with an exaggerated "Eeew!" He wiped Spike-saliva
off his palm, then grabbed Spike by the jacket-sleeve. "Inside, buster."
As he manhandled, or rather, vamphandled, Spike through the back door and
tried to push him quietly through the darkened kitchen, Spike was grumbling
under his breath. "Why the hell do I let you push me about like this, again,
"Something about how I can kick your chipped ass if you don't?" Xander
pulled him up short when they got to the kitchen threshold, and covered
Spike's mouth again, over whatever answer he'd been about to make. "Shut up,
ass-chip," he hissed. "Gotta make it back upstairs without waking up the
"What perimeter guards?"
Xander slowly turned and looked over at the doorway. There, in a
adult-sized t-shirt nightgown, stood a sleepy little Willow.
"Um, hi, we were just--" Xander began.
"Sneaking in after finally getting a good boff in," Spike said,
Xander hit him. He wasn't sure exactly why - it wasn't like Willow didn't
know he had sex. Even sex with Spike. But still... Of course there was the
simple fact that hitting Spike was *fun*. Xander hit him again.
"Oi! Not in front of the children," Spike chastised. Then he moved
forward, crouching down to scoop up the fake-child. "Do you need a glass of
water, little one?" His voice was all talking-to-a-kid, and it made Xander
roll his eyes. Willow gave him a suspicious look.
"No, actually I wanted more ice cream."
Spike didn't do very well at hiding his snort. Xander couldn't blame him--
Willow had walked right into that one. "I think you tots ate it all. But
we'll pop out and get some. Anything for you, Will," Spike oozed sweetly.
"We will *not* pop out and get some. I want to go to bed," Xander said,
hauling Spike up by his collar.
"Well, all right. Bed's as good a place as--"
"To *sleep*, peroxide-breath." Xander looked down at Willow. "You really
want some more ice cream? I think there's Neapolitan left." She nodded,
after sticking her tongue out at Spike. "You do know," Xander said as he
released Spike and swooped Willow from his arms in a move that used up every
last bit of energy that his body possessed, but was worth it, "that I can't
make ice cream without a witch under my arm. Right?"
She squealed, then settled down to wriggling and thumping him with her
fists, as he fixed her a bowl of ice cream. He did let her start to 'slip'
once, so that she was dangling head down-wards. It would have been a bad
move had she had the strength to pummel him well. As it was her fists
bounced off his butt with little enough force that he could pretend not to
"You do know that's my butt you're hitting?" he heard Spike say -- after
about the fiftieth strike.
"So? You weren't hitting it," she said in a reasonable tone.
"I can fix that--" Spike began.
Xander whirled around, pressing his back up against the counter and
letting Willow drop to her feet. "You are *not*, no way, no how, in any way
shape or form hitting me in the butt in the kitchen in front of Willow."
Spike smiled. "Wills, darling, here's your ice cream. There's a good
girl." He handed her the bowl, then nudged her towards the door.
"You didn't say anything about behind Willow's back," Spike protested as
Xander marched him through the living room with one hand yanking up the
beltloop at the back of his jeans, so that Spike was forced to either walk
on tiptoe or suffer the dreaded Xanderwedgie.
Xander yanked Spike's jeans up higher, and rubbed his own butt with his
free hand. He seemed to be doing that a lot, tonight. "You know, even Anya's
finally figured out when it is and isn't appropriate to smack somebody on
the ass," Xander said as he nudged Spike up the stairs. "Why haven't you?"
Spike snickered. "I know when it's appropriate. I just don't care."
"Gee, just like you were evil, huh?"
"Yeah! Grr!" Spike sounded proud of the fact.
Which was what Xander was aiming for. "Which explains you tucking the
blanket around Tara after she fell asleep earlier, how?"
Spike didn't say anything as Xander steered him up the rest of the stairs.
Xander let go when they reached the second floor, and Spike took a step
towards Joyce's room. "Hey." Xander stopped him.
"What?" Spike gave him a suspicious look.
He grinned, and pointed towards Buffy's's room. Spike was still looking
confused, then the lightbulb blinked on, and he followed Xander over to the
doorway. They both peeked in, to see a small figure tucked under the covers
of Buffy's bed.
"Looks an utter innocent, don't he," Spike whispered. "Like he never
called up demons or played electric bass or told anybody who might not know
otherwise that he toured with Pink Floyd."
"He told you he toured with Pink Floyd?"
"Nah, told Anya that, when she was flippin' through his LP collection."
Xander looked at the sleeping four year old, and grinned. "She thought
Floyd was some kind of pink demon, didn't she."
Spike just grinned evilly.
"He seems awfully...." Xander trailed off, but waggled his eyebrows.
Spike frowned. "Awfully evil?"
Xander whapped him on the head. "No. Well, yes, but not what I meant.
What I mean, is, he's all alone in there. Who's he gonna wake up
Spike slowly grinned. He shot a look at the sleeping-unaware Giles, then
nodded. "It'd be a shame, him waking up all lonely and the like. Poor
bugger'd probably have a fit."
They exchanged grins, just like they did right before they snuck into
Giles' office or bathroom or bedroom or kitchen with a jar of plastic bugs.
Once it had been real ones that they'd spent hours collecting, but Giles had
simply squashed them. Then he'd told Anya on them, which, of course, was
half the fun. The other half was the fact that he *had* to know by now that
she wouldn't do anything to them that they didn't like, so it was kind of
one step away from...
Xander couldn't even finish the thought, looking as he was at the itty
bitty version of Giles. They tiptoed into the bedroom, Spike with one
eyebrow raised an a finger to his lips, and Xander carefully pulled back the
covers. "You want left or middle?" he whispered.
Spike looked at him. Looked at the sleeping Giles. Frowned. Xander could
see him trying to work out the logistics of who would wake up snuggling who,
and what would embarrass Giles more, vs. a certain vampire's unadmitted
addiction to hanging onto Xander at night like he was a giant stuffed teddy
boy. Um, teddy bear. "Don't suppose we could all just sleep in a big pile,
like we do at home?"
"We'd squish him," Xander whispered back. "He's little, and he still has
to breathe." He slipped off his shoes and slid into the bed, carefully
moving Giles over towards the wall, and making a space beside himself for
"What if we put him on top of you, and I grab you both?" Spike suggested.
"Hmm." Xander realized the idea had merit. Giles was small and light
enough that *he* wouldn't get squished, and it had all the benefits of
embarrassing him when he woke, *and* letting Spike sleep soundly. Xander
carefully laid down and pulled Giles on top of him. Giles mumbled a little,
stirred slightly, then latched onto Xander as tightly as Spike usually did.
Spike grinned, nodding in approval, then slid into bed next to them.
"Right, then. Say 'goodnight, Xander'."
"Kiss me, and I'll consider it," he whispered back. Then he had a tongue
in his mouth, and couldn't say anything.
Buffy stretched as she crawled out of bed, and accidentally-on-purpose
whapped Dawn in the side of the head. "Hey... watch it, buttface," Dawn
muttered without even opening her eyes.
Buffy stuck out her tongue at her sister, and walked down the hall towards
the bathroom, still yawning. A quick peek into the room that had been her
Mom's had her blinking. Xander and Spike couldn't have gone out for ice
cream *again*, could they? Nah-- it was a bright, cheery morning, and even
Spike wasn't horny enough to risk being turned to ash for a backseat
quickie. Well, not usually. She glared at the empty bed.
They'd *better* not be doing it in the bathroom. It was her house, and she
was *not* going to stand in the hallway doing the Peepee Dance while Pointy
Face and Puppy Head got it on in the shower. All right, so she *could* go
downstairs and use the toilet. Except flushing it *wouldn't* affect the
water temperature in the upstairs shower, darn it, so there wasn't much
But a quick recon told her there were no young-adult delinquents in the
bathroom. So - where were they? Making breakfast? Sheyeah, right. Buffy
shook her head and decided to cheat. She closed her eyes and used her
Slayer senses to locate the nearest vampire. Who was apparently in *her*
bedroom. Buffy narrowed her eyes. If they were desecrating *her* bed, they
were dead men-and-vampires.
She stomped -- quietly, so she wouldn't wake any four year olds -- up to
her door, and got her best glare ready. And stopped. Then ran back to grab
"Hey, m'tryin' to sleep here," Dawn protested as Buffy threw clothes left
and right, trying to find where Dawn had left her camera.
"Oh, God, get up; you have to see this." She used a little unfair Slayer
advantage to haul Dawn bodily out of bed, stopping to grab the camera when
she spied it among the mess that covered the top of Dawn's dresser.
"What the--" Dawn said huffily, and Buffy put a finger to her lips,
pointing in the direction of her own room. Dawn gave her a quizzical look,
but followed her over to the doorway, and peeked in.
Dawn's hands flew to her mouth, stifling whatever squealing noise she
would have made. Buffy just raised the camera and started snapping off
All three were sound asleep -- though Xander *might* have been faking, and
who cared as long as he didn't move and wake the other two. He was on his
back, one arm around Spike, at his side, and one arm around Giles. Who was
lying partly on top of Xander, snuggling him, and partly on Spike.
Buffy took several more pictures, just in case the photo-mart ruined five
of them. These photos were going to get her out of
interfering-with-her-life training bouts, for *years*.
"What's going on?" came a little voice behind her, and Dawn leapt down to
slap her hand over Willow's mouth. Buffy pointed to the bed, and Willow,
after prying Dawn's hand away, shrugged. "So?" she said, quietly enough that
Dawn didn't try to shush her again. "Xander and Spike sleeping together.
We've seen it before. Okay, not usually with this many clothes on..."
Buffy lifted her up, so that she could see Giles, lodged between/on-top-of
them. Willow shrugged again. Buffy stared at her.
Dawn grinned, however. After Buffy put Willow back down, Dawn knelt down
and patted her on the head. "Someday, when you become a woman, my child,"
she intoned, "you'll understand."
Willow just rolled her eyes. "You two have obviously never seen the two
of them sleeping on the floor after being up all night watching movies."
Buffy gave the threesome-in-bed a doubtful look. "Cuter than this?"
Willow nodded. "Much."
Buffy gave the threesome another look, then shook her head. There was no
way. But she shooed Willow and Dawn out of the room, to let Giles wake up
and find himself snuggling two men he'd swear he'd rather see dipped in
demon-attracting goo, than admit he'd ever snuggled. Hence the incriminating
Of course, a virtuous person would follow her best friend and her sister
down the hall, towards showers and other things that bathrooms could be used
for, and leave the boys to deal with that precious moment, when it came, in
relative privacy. Good thing I'm a bitch, she thought happily, as she stood
in the hallway and peeked back around the doorframe. Then she took a deep
"Spike, put down that book-- it's really old, and I don't think Giles
would want you to use it for a coaster."
Three pair of eyes shot open-- Xander's faster than the other two, which
confirmed, at least for Buffy, her suspicion that he'd been faking.
"Spike, get your blood-soaked paws off my-- " Giles trailed off as he
looked around and realized where he was.
"Hey, I've not got my paws anywhere it's not proper to have 'em, and I
washed my hands after dinner, like a good lad," Spike protested, grinning.
"What the *bloody* hell are you two doing?" Giles demanded in what would
have been his most imperious voice, had he been older than four.
"Sleeping," Spike replied, sounding innocent.
"We fell asleep on *our* side of the bed," Xander added, though Buffy
suspected that was a huge bald-faced lie. She could see Giles glaring at
them, then he crawled off them -- causing Xander to yelp. "Watch those
Giles simply muttered, and crawled off the bed and stomped towards the
bathroom. Buffy had to duck into Dawn's room to avoid being seen.
A minute or so later, Xander poked his head around the door. "I *assume*
you got pictures of that," he said.
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Duh..."
"I didn't see a flash," he said suspiciously.
"I turned it off-- how dumb do you think I am?"
Xander opened his mouth -- to tell her, undoubtedly -- and she threw a
pillow at him. She quickly snapped another picture as the pillow fell. Then
she grinned, and ran.
She headed for the bathroom, because by now the just-woken-up-gotta-go
dance was becoming the get-the-hell-out-of-my-way-Slayer-on-a-mission
boogie. She was annoyed, but not surprised, to find the bathroom door shut.
She knocked, and Dawn answered. "In a minute, jeez..." Which meant another
five, at least. Buffy headed down the stairs. She reached the landing and
sped around the corner towards the hall bathroom, only to skid to a halt.
Giles was standing in the doorway, asking patiently -- but loudly -- if
someone was going to be out soon. Buffy hurried up behind him, intending to
cut in line. After all, he might be her Watcher but *she* was the Slayer,
and the Council and the world would go downhill without her. If she couldn't
use that to pull rank and get into the bathroom first, then what use was
being the Slayer?
She paused when she saw Tara sitting on the counter, leaning towards the
mirror but looking back over at Giles, and laughing. "You sound so silly,
being all stern, in that voice!" she said.
"Yes, well, you look rather silly, sitting on the countertop in shorty
pajamas," he responded. "Especially since your shorts are falling down
Tara quickly re-arranged her shorts, and frowned at Buffy and Giles in the
mirror. "I could have *sworn* I was a chubby little kid." Then she frowned
at herself. "I don't look anything *like* me. This is so weird."
She *was* a little on the small side. Not as small as Wesley had become,
but smaller than Willow and Giles. Buffy gave about three seconds' thought
to the fact that poor Willow and Tara would have to go shopping with Spike
and Xander again, to buy Tara some clothes that were *small* enough. Then
she was once again reminded that the world was depending on a Slayer who had
a fully functioning bladder.
"Of course you look like you-- who else would you look like?" she asked,
then pulled Giles out of the doorway. "And can you two continue this
conversation somewhere else? Some of us actually want to use the bathroom
for not-mirror-looking things."
Both Tara and Giles looked at her blankly, as if they hadn't any idea what
else a bathroom could be used for. Then Giles frowned at her. "I believe I
was in line next."
"Yeah?" Buffy reached down and picked him up, then set him down -- behind
her. "Now you're *next* after me!" She turned a stern, vampires run from
me, look at Tara.
Who had turned back to the mirror. "I don't understand. Could I have
gotten a different body? Giles, do you look like yourself?"
"Yes, actually. And according to the photographs of Xander, he regressed
exactly, as well. Tara, I'm sure you just mis-remember--"
"Could we *please* continue this conversation somewhere else?"
"Yes, why don't we talk about it in the kitchen? You could run ahead and
make us some breakfast, Buffy. We'll meet you." Giles' face was utterly
serious, except for the little tic at the left corner of his mouth.
"If you guys don't skedaddle, the only breakfast I'm gonna make is
pancakes out of both of you. Does that qualify?" Buffy threatened.
Tara laughed. "Skedaddle? I thought only my Grandma said that."
Buffy felt herself smiling a little, in spite of the seriousness of the
issue. Which was very serious. "No, my mom used to say it, too. Now do it.
"But I have to use the bathroom," Tara said, with a shy duck of the head.
"As do I," Giles said, sounding deceptively patient again.
"Argh!" Buffy seriously considered tossing them both down the hall.
"Tonight you and Willow are at Xander and Spike and Anya's and you guys can
fight over the one bathroom to your hearts' content, but right now--"
"I'm out," Dawn called down the stairs.
Buffy ran. "Slayer speed, Slayer strength, Slayer muscle control..." she
was chanting as she sprinted up the stairs to the other bathroom. She
skidded to a stop in front of the closed door. "Dawn, I thought you said you
were out?" She was *not* whining. Not yet, anyway.
"I am," Dawn said from behind her.
"Then who's in there?"
"I am," called Xander. "Just be a second-- I've gotta shave and get off to
work. They're not all that happy about two weeks' vacation with no warning,
to start with. I show up late my first day back, I'm in deep third-shift."
"I can't believe this! This is *my* house, and I can't even use a
"Hey, if you need to take a shower, you're welcome to come on in," Xander
replied through the door.
Buffy glared at the door. "Don't make me slay you, Xander."
"Hey! Nobody slays Xander except me. Or Anya." Spike stepped up behind
her. When Buffy glanced back to give *him* a glare, she stopped. Spike was
still barely-awake, eyes half-open and his hair... Buffy giggled. Spike
opened his eyes briefly, then narrowed them. "What?"
"Bed hair! Spike has bed hair!" It was Willow who said it, jumping up the
last stair into the hallway, inserting herself in the middle of the gaggle
of grown-ups. Buffy grabbed her as she jumped too near the bathroom door.
"I beg to differ," Spike said, crossing his arms.
Buffy blinked at him. "Don't *tell* me you have to use the bathroom. I'm a
Slayer-- I know these things."
Spike blinked back, harder. "Oh. Thought you meant Xander."
"I am Xander, the Free," came the resounding voice from behind the
bathroom door, over the sound of an electric razor. "I belong to no man, no
woman, for I am--"
"About to get your ass kicked if you don't get out of the bathroom *now*,"
"Gee, who's a little grumpy in the mornings?" Xander asked. Buffy ignored
the comment because he'd opened the door as he said it, and was stepping
Buffy started to hurry past him, then heard, "Um, Buffy? You think you
might put me down first?"
She stopped and looked down at the four-year-old she was holding. "Oops."
She let go-- and Willow laughed and dashed into the bathroom. "That's it.
I'm moving into a hotel." Buffy raced after her, and caught her before the
door shut. "Uh-uh," she said, grabbing Willow under the arms and depositing
her firmly outside the door.
"But I'm your best friend," Willow said.
"I love you, Wills, but if it comes down to a choice between you and my
duty as a Slayer..." Buffy was shutting and locking the door as she said it.
"What does your duty as a Slayer have to do with getting into the bathroom
first," Willow asked.
"It's complicated. I'll explain later."
"Nice towel, Xander," Dawn said loudly from the hallway.
There was the sound of shuffling, and running, and Spike laughing, while
Buffy blinked repeatedly and wondered how she'd managed to miss what Xander
was wearing -- or wasn't-- in her mad dash for the Holy Grail.
She tried not to think about it as she finally --finally!-- got to use the
bathroom. Thinking of Xander and towels was *not* conducive to relaxed
muscles. Mostly because it made her think about the time she'd accidentally
walked in on Spike, Xander, and Anya, all playing snap-the-towel as a form
of foreplay. She shivered, flushed the toilet, then washed her hands
vigorously, as though washing her brain out, as well. Xander and towels.
When she opened the door, she found Willow standing there, looking up at
her looking as pathetic and matchstick girl as she could. Buffy smiled.
Willow grumbled something under her breath and marched past Buffy. Buffy
ignored her, and instead turned her attention to Dawn, who was staring at
Buffy's bedroom door, her expression one slightly akin to shock.
Buffy tapped her on the shoulder. "What? You've never seen Xander in a
towel before?" She frowned. Thought. Hmm. Maybe she hadn't; with the number
of times Xander and Anya had babysat her, you'd think, but Xander had always
been really insistent that Dawn wouldn't end up seeing anything she
Dawn gulped. "I've never seen Xander *without* a towel before." Her eyes
were almost as big as the four-year-olds' eyes. "I mean, not as a grown-up."
Buffy's eyes, on the other hand, narrowed, and she stormed up to her
bedroom door and pounded on it. "Xander Harris!"
Dawn shook her head. "Spike did it."
"Spike Harris!" she yelled.
There was a laugh, then an innocent-sounding vampire called, "What?"
She started to yell back that he was a dead vampire, when she suddenly
realized - Spike and Xander were in *her* room. And Xander was naked. "I'm
going to kill you *both*! Get out of my room right now! And you both
better be fully dressed!"
There was no immediate reply. Then Xander asked, "Er, which would you
prefer? Out of your room, or fully dressed?"
"Both, in reverse order. And Spike can come out now, since he *is* fully
There was a chuckle, then Spike said, "You heard the lady," and he opened
the door. *He* was fully dressed, in the jeans and rumpled shirt he'd slept
in, bed-hair still in place, lips suspiciously redder and puffier than
they'd been a few minutes ago. Beyond him, in the middle of the room,
Buffy covered Dawn's eyes-- then her own. "Great, I'm blind. How am I
gonna kill vampires, blind?" Buffy complained.
"Oh, like you've never seen it before," Xander said.
Buffy gasped. "I have *not*!" At least no one was supposed to know she
had. It wasn't like she'd told anyone. Other than Willow.
"What are you guys doing?" Willow asked, and Buffy felt something brush
her leg. She peeked through her fingers and saw Willow staring into her
Buffy found herself starting to yell something like "not in front of
Willow!" when she stopped, took a deep breath, and turned around. Pushing
Dawn ahead of her, Buffy decided that today, right now, she *really* really
wanted to be in class.